2009 is almost here

It's the night before the last day of the year....and what a year. 2008 will obviously go down in the record books as a major set of 12 months. A lot of stuff went down. For me and mine I am hoping, praying (and the rest of it) that 2009 will be a hell of a lot less interesting. As I said to my cousin just yesterday, we've had enough character building at the Brinson household to last us a year or two. Yes, we have many things to be grateful for.....Adam's return to health, Camille's continued enthusiasm for life, Martha's continued employment (with benefits....), my 'opportunity' to do something different, growing closer to our friends and family. There are many things to be thankful for. But let's face it, 2008 was a year for the crapper....there's just no getting around it. (Obama and the return of liberal values nationally not withstanding.)
Adam got cancer, we lost our savings (lest we forget......and I felt so good all these years putting so much into my 401K), I got laid off, and just to keep this stuff in 'threes', a drunk driver totalled my honda on Christmas eve no less (which I was hoping to run into the ground over the next 5 years.....Adam would have loved getting that thing on his 16th birthday!).

Yep, I really am looking forward to 2009. It's not that I am suspicious enough to think anything cosmically changes on 1/1/09, but it does mark what I hope to be a starting point for a gentle upward curve tracking our family's and friends' minor and major fortunes (not necessarily in the financial sense...but not necessarily not in the financial sense). I hope 2009 offers me personally a chance to renew my enthusiasm for counseling, to be a better dad and husband, to really learn guitar (yes I still have it, but I need to get back to it), to grow spiritually (what ever that might mean), to be less materialistic, more attuned to those around me, a better friend, a better son and brother, to be more generous and patient and thoughtful, to grow in my empathy and reduce my anti social traits (oh, yes, I have plenty of those), to love better, to be more accepting with a capital A.

I am laying on Camille's bed right now. She has fallen asleep after only two stories. She still wants Martha or I to stay with her all night. I will get up soon an 'sneak' up to my own bed. Hopefully she will sleep through the night without waking up and yelling out, scared, for Martha or me to come back and sleep with her. Adam is away at Scout Winter Camp, so she is alone down stairs. Listening to her gentle snoring is really beautiful. Camille has become so full of happiness and light (most of the time). She can be cautious but is usually willing to try new things. I am teaching her how to ride her bicycle which santa gave her this Christmas. She loves it and I think will be riding on her own soon. She is a joy. Camille and Adam are truly wonders to me. Even though I want to slap the 11 year old out of him at times (and I am sure that won't get better with 12) Adam continues to surprise me with his observations and unexpected humorous take on the world. Damn, we have some super kids, and no load of sh%t in 2008 can take that away.

Happy New Year Everybody!

Camille getting ready for her dress rehearsal for the peppermint dance in Nutcracker.

Gratitude and Hope

Christmas is approaching. I don't know about you but the season has a different feel this year. Not in a bad way. It seems more somber or low key. Adam and Camille are excited but even they seem to be somehow aware that the world is a little different this year. We chose not to get a tree or a wreath this year. We decorated our ficus instead. I've been laid off, my brother is facing a lay off, friends have been laid off. And all in time for Christmas. Ironically I am very happy and up. Sure, that might be the celexa talking but I don't think that is the only thing. I continue to feel relieved to have a new opportunity. But in the bottom of my mind I am aware of the 'high wire' act I am setting out on. But the excitement of that, and not the anxiety seems to be prevalent.

And then there is Adam's successful treatment. That continues to stoke the fire of optimism for me. Despite the economy and general uncertainty in the world I just feel thankful and glad that Adam is healthy, that Camille seems like the happiest little girl I know and that I am lucky enough to be married to Martha.

Other items on the good news list: Obama got elected, I have reconnected with some old friends via facebook (Jared calls me the worst facebook geek he knows), my Mom got her knee replaced and that will lead to her being more mobile I think, my brother in law was made partner at his firm (thank God one of us is gainfully employed), Camille is performing in the Nutcracker this weekend, Adam is playing in his school band performance tomorrow, Martha got a bonus......

I am hopeful that 2009 will be a good year. It's going to have to be better than 2008. I hope for peace, justice and prosperity for our country and the world. Maybe that is spitting in the wind...but hope springs eternal.


Prayer for Peace
Almighty and merciful God, Father of all men, Creator and ruler of the universe,Lord of all history, whose designs are without blemish, whose compassion for the errors of men is inexhaustible, in your will is our peace.
Mercifully hear this prayer which rises to you from the tumult and desperation of a world in which you are forgotten, in which your name is not invoked,your laws are derided and your presence is ignored. Because we do not know you, we have no peace.
From the heart of an eternal silence, you have watched the rise of empires and have seen the smoke of their downfall. You have witnessed the impious fury of ten thousand fratricidal wars, in which great powers have torn whole
continents to shreds in the name of peace and justice.
A day of ominous decision has now dawned on this free nation. Save us then
from our obsessions! Open our eyes, dissipate our confusions, teach us
to understand ourselves and our adversary.
Let us never forget that sins
against the law of love are punishable by loss of faith, and those
without faith stop at no crime to achieve their ends!Help us to be masters of the weapons that threaten to master us.
Help us to use our science for peace and plenty, not for war and
destruction. Save us from the compulsion to follow our adversaries
in all that we most hate, confirming them in their hatred and
suspicion of us.
Resolve our inner contradictions, which now
grow beyond belief and beyond bearing. They are at once a torment
and a blessing: for if you had not left us the light of conscience,we would not have to endure them.
Teach us to wait and trust.Grant light, grant strength and patience to all who work for peace.But grant us above all to see that our ways are not necessarily
your ways, that we cannot fully penetrate the mystery of your
designs and that the very storm of power now raging on this earth
reveals your hidden will and your inscrutable decision.
Grant us to see your face in the lightning of this cosmic storm,O God of holiness, merciful to men. Grant us to seek peace where
it is truly found. In your will, O God, is our peace.
Amen.
Thomas Merton (1915-1968)Prayer for Peace

Snow Day Surprise

Last night around 945 pm the phone rings. I was the only one still up and was a little irritated that someone was calling so late. It was a 'robocall' from the public school system saying that Friday would be a snow day. No school! That means Martha and I could sleep a little later. I wondered, should I wake up Martha and Adam and tell them the good news. I decided to leave it as nice surprise for this morning. Martha got out of bed at 530am and I whispered to her that there was no school. She gratefully got back into bed.

Later in the morning, it was light outside, I woke Adam up, saying, "Wake up, we're late, look outside." Adam scramble up, half awake, ready to do as commanded. Then I said, "Nah, it's a snow day, go back to bed." Adam said, "You're mean!". But happily fell back into bed where I am sure he remained until 10am or so.

We love snow days at the Brinson house!

Martha and I still had to go to work (she with Camille in tow), but it was nice casual morning.

This is in the 'take nothing for granted' category.

Have a great weekend.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spiritto be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~Emerson~

Don't Be Bitter

This is my favorite Matt Groening comic. I think of it often. Lately it's been my personal mantra.....'don't be bitter....breath in......don't be bitter breath out.....repeat'

Bitterness is maybe the most useless of emotions. We all could find reasons to justify our own bitterness; cancer, losing a job, watching one's savings dwindle, 'Bama losing the SEC championship, xenophobes taking over my city....the list could go on. Describing bitterness as an emotion my not be correct. I think of emotions as being somewhat out of our control and bitterness it seems to me is a choice. One can feel hurt, shocked, frustrated , angry ect. These can all lead toward the choice of bitterness; or of the choice to look for opportunity or purpose, inner peace.... Bitterness gets you nothing.

I went to the Skyline doctor/director shindig last night at the Frist Center for the Arts. I was invited before being laid off so I figured 'what the hell.' A night of dress up, free drink, ok food and fabulous imitation eagles music is not to be missed. Martha looked great in a sexy black dress (I had been bragging to my peers at work for weeks about that dress) and my own get-up was a tux (which I can't afford not to wear if given the chance) with a black shirt and tie. I think we looked smashing. The food and wine were actually pretty good and I got to be the 'good guy' to all the other directors and doctors (as far as I know none of whom are losing their jobs....yet anyway).

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

His goal in life was to be an echo
The type of sound that floats around and then back down
Like a feather
But in the deep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
No one could hear him
Or anything

--wilco

free fall

Today I begin this new chapter, phase, journey, free fall, roller coaster...whatever. Two weeks ago I was invited to consider taking a new path (my Directors position at Skyline was being eliminated). It was a Monday and I had my regular weekly meeting with K., by boss and the hospital COO. The meeting was re-sheduled from 3 to 2. Kay was being particularly sweet to me and I noticed that the HR director was hanging around. I was too dense to put 2 and 2 together.....until I walked into my meeting with K. and saw the HR director in there as well. Then I knew what was about to happen. Having been on the other side of this trip a few months ago when I had to lay off several folks. I didn't see it coming but I wasn't surprised either. Times are tough at Skyline and probably not going to get better for a few months at least so looking for more cuts only makes sense from a for-profit, bottom line perspective.

I immediately decided to be cool about it. As K. 'invited' me to take a full time clinical position and then added, after I asked about salary, that my directors job was being eliminated, I was at peace. She was a little surprised by my reaction and told me she had lost all sorts of sleep over the weekend ('good' I thought....but not meanly).

The proposition of staying with a cut in pay wasn't completely out of consideration given the times we are in. I left that meeting thinking I could go either way: stay or take the decent severance and consider my options.

Almost immediately I felt great. It was like I was on crack or something. I felt lighter, happier and more energized. I didn't know what to do with myself. As word got out plenty of folks came to me to say how sorry they were, what a loss this would be, what a good guy I am etc. It was definitely good for my ego. People were amazed at how at peace I was. I wasn't pissed off. I wasn't slamming administration. I was happy ( I was not happy that folks were worried, scared and anxious about this latest round of layoffs). People thought I was a saint or something. I tried to explain to Yolanda, one of the best people I know at work, that I was no saint. If this had happened several months I would have raged, kicked, screamed and generally been one nasty m-f'r. Adam was still in treatment and losing my benefits would have been a nightmare. But Adam is finished with treatment, mostly, and he and Camille can be transferred to Martha's benefits. I am no saint. This was just the right thing and the right time. It felt right. And I have zero regret or bitterness.

It was Martha who pushed me to take the severance and do my own thing. That support is huge because this decision will affect our family economically. In the long run though it is the right move.

Today I am no longer the boss. I will actually be doing some prn coverage for most of the month. That will be interesting. I will just be one of the gang. And I genuinely feel worried for the two remaining directors who have to pick up the slack. But honestly, they may do it better than I did. I have been in a rut, I think, for some time. The stress around here had gradually burried me. It's like a frog in warm water. The water gets slowly hotter and the frog doesn't notice until he is frog soup. Luckily for me, I was pulled out of the pot.


I am also actively looking for advice and space to build a private practice. I think I am going to have a ball. I can do what I am best at, family counseling, and learn all sorts of stuff I know nothing about (staring my own business).

I am excited and nervous. But mostly excited!

Peace.

E

needs no comment

Ms. Amizquita, Camille's Kindergarten Teacher....wait for Camille's wave to the camera.

a morning at the dreaded opryland hotel in search of santa...unsuccessful

Tday minus one

Our new tradition of Oysters and Wine on Thanksgiving was a big success. The weather was perfect for hanging out on the patio, grilling oysters Rockefeller, drinking wine, listening to music and enjoying the company of friends and neighbors. The grilled Oysters Rockefeller was a bit of an experiment. It came out smashingly well. I am trying to get Martha to write it up and send it in to Southern Living. Maybe we could win a contest or something.

Did some Christmas shopping yesterday. Looking for some gifts for Juju and Bear. Took Adam and Camille with me. Martha was at work. The crowds were not bad at all, I guess that's not a good thing.

Adam's Godparent Eddie and his wife Lauren dropped by unexpectedly. It was really great to catch up and hang out with them. They are very positive people and we could always use a little dose of that. We watched the LSU/Arkansas game. Eddie and Lauren are big LSU fans. Sorry guys: 31/30 Arkansas.

Today of course is the Iron Bowl, Alabama v. Auburn. Roll tide roll.


We are taking Camille to see Santa today. I tried yesterday, but she gets a little nervous around the big red guy. Maybe Martha can coax her into it today.

Happy Thanksgiving

I was talking to an old friend of mine yesterday and we both agreed that 2008 could have been a better year. Adam's cancer, Martha's brother dying of cancer, getting laid off and this little economic problem we are all living through. 2009 has got to be better.

On the other hand I was simultaneously thinking how much I have to be thankful for: Adam's treatment has been successful, Adam and Camille are great kids and Martha and I are unbelievably fortunate we have have them, I have a great wife and we a still in-love, I have been given an opportunity to do something new professionally, we have some really great friends in Nashville, I have recently connected with old friends I haven't heard from in a while, Adam and Camille are doing well in school (mostly) and of course we just elected a president that I never would have thought could have been elected. What a country!

Happy Thanksgiving.

My 'Goodbye Skyline' post seems to have caused some confusion. Just to be clear, I was laid off from Skyline but I am also at peace with this event and actually pretty happy about it.

It has been an incredibly stressful time at the hospital for all sorts of reasons and I didn't actually know how truly stressed out I was until last Monday when I got the news. An overwhelming sense of relief and joy spread throughout my consciousness as I was hearing the news from my boss. It could be that this is just part of my grief process and I will be terribly angry and pissed off next week....but I doubt it.

This is giving me an opportunity to do something I have been wanting to do.....that is, to strike out on my own. And I am thankful for it.

Please keep me and my new endeavor in your thoughts and prayers.

peace

E

Back from hiking

Adam had a great time hiking and camping. When I picked him up from his scout friend Tom's house he was so excited to tell me all about the trip; how they had missed their first camp site so ended up hiking much further than they had planned; how they had to sleep in some one's back yard (with permission) and the owner's cats kept bothering the scout leaders, how cold it was and how much he like the freeze dried pork and rice (go figure). Seeing him smiling and without much prodding going on about his trip was really great. He says next time he needs a hiking stick, "that way I can rest without sitting down." Sounds like a nice Christmas present.

Their next trip is in January.

MY NEW BLOG

To go along with what I pray will be a successful building of a private practice I have started a new blog.

Check it out and give me feedback.


parenttopics.blogspot.com

I dropped Adam off last night with his scout troop. They are going on a hiking trip in Picket State Park. He was really looking forward to it. I can only hope that he didn't freeze to death last night. I think it went into the teens.
We rented a back pack and decent sleeping bag from REI. He has to carry all his own food etc.
I took Adam on a hiking trip a few years ago. We hiked about 3 miles in to set up our camp site. This was around the Savage Gulf area near Sewanee. He didn't complain once. This impressed the other folks with us. I think he will probably have the same attitude this time.

Stay warm.


http://www.tennessee.gov/environment/parks/Pickett/

Goodbye Skyline

14 years. I was 30 when I was hired on as the unit social worker on the Tennessee Christian Medical Center Adolescent Unit; D3 at the time. Bill Aldrich and Kathy Rhodes hired me. Kathy taught me just about all I really needed to know. Treat everyone with respect, especially those who are least able to return that respect to you. That comes in handy on an adolescent psych unit!
I remember my first week. I wore jeans to work. Bill had to take me aside and set me straight on that. On my second day I was assaulted by a boy. He bruised my ribs I couldn't roll over for a week. Welcome to D3!
I remember realizing that half my job on the adolescent unit was explaining to families what Dr. O had actually said, "What Dr. O meant to say was….."
I remember taking the kids down to swim in the pool and the smell of chlorine as we entered the CTC.
I remember being offered a job elsewhere and almost taking it until Kathy and Sandy asked me to take on a manager role with the social work staff. Penny Bidwell, who worked in HR at the time, was so happy that I had chosen to stay. She hardly knew me then but seemed to care about me so much.
I remember starting as a manager and realizing that I didn't know what in the heck I was doing. Looking back I am filled with amazement at how tolerant my staff must have been to put up with me.
I look at my staff now and am filled with pride. I couldn't ask for a better group and I truly believe the folks I have directed are a treasure to Skyline and I pray that they know that.


I remember Shuwanna and Mark convincing me that we had to do something about Katrina and the miraculous generosity of the TCMC community. We filled up Gant Hall in less than a day and formed a rag tag caravan down to the Mississippi coast. Unbelievable. I learned how to operate a chainsaw and got to keep all my fingers. I even got to tell Jimm, the CEO, what to do.

There are so many people who have made such a difference in my life. Most of whom are no longer here but are still part of my memory of this place. Bill, Kathy, Sandy, Allison, Keith, Nan, Dr. Okpaku, Dr. Biliyar, Laura, Kim, Terri Riley, Terry Burnett, Susan, Eric, Mark, Shuwanna, Shelia, Julie, Melissa W, Harry, Ms. Dell, Norman, Yolanda, Marie. …….the more I think the more there are.
This week is not over yet but has been really strange and good. People I know well and not so well have come up to me to let me know how much they appreciate my time here and what I have contributed. What more could I ask for for?
I think what is happening is right for me. It is time and I am ready. The future is unwritten but I am filled with optimism and excitement…and only a little trepidation.


I love you all and I really mean that.
Best.
E

These entries have become less frequent because Adam is doing so much better and is completed with treatment. He will continue to get regular imaging tests for the next year or more.
Until he gets his 'port' taken out he will have to go monthly to have the port 'flushed' with saline. This is not really a big deal except that Adam really hates it. He associates the flushing process with the chemo to follow. There is no more chemo but his body still responds with nausea and his psyche responds as if he were being traumatized.

He goes today at 330. Please say a prayer that he will begin to readjust his senses and not re-feel the effects of chemo.

Adam is going on a big hiking trip with his troop this Friday. He's been breaking in a pair of hiking boots and will be suited out with a backpack, sleeping bag etc. I hope he can stay warm!

He's terrific

I was at lunch today when Chris Dull, a really fantastic psychiatrist I work with, asked me how Adam was doing. "He's terrific." I said. I should have added "He's gaining wait (he's got a little tummy as Martha pointed out last night), he's doing well in school, he's happy, he's tolerating Camille, he's riding his bike, he's trying to play his harmonica, he's reading, he's playing with friends, he's playing his Spore computer game, he's eating his Halloween candy, he's going to scouts, he's misbehaving (but in a good way), he's growing hair (but not quite enough to cut yet), he's looking forward to Christmas, he's back!"


Thanks for your prayers and good wishes.

Our ballerina in training.

Halloween and Soccer

Adam has his last soccer game of the season today. With each game he has played stronger. Hopefully we will win today and have a winning season. Either way it's been really good having Adam back on the field.

Camille has her last game too. Grandma is up this week for Halloween and just to hang out. Couldn't be a better weekend weather wise.

Camille was a butterfly last night (something of a trend in our 'hood apparently) and Adam was 'Death'. Camille, Nora and Morgan trolled the streets with Martha and Carolyn (Nora's mom). Adam, Joanna from down the street and Fin went on their own trick or treat adventure.

I hung out with Connie (grand ma) and greeted the packs of candy seeking youth.

Great night.

Camporee 2008

Despite his expression he really loves this stuff.

Adam's team came in 2nd in the cook off competition.

Adam's Scout leader, Mr. Gregory, is trying to do his part to help Adam gain back the 12 pounds he lost while in chemo.

monitoring

We are now in a new phase of Adam's treatment. I guess it's the monitoring phase. Adam will go back in three months for more imaging tests. And every three months for a year or so. Then he will be seen at the 'Survivor's Clinic' on a less frequent basis.

In the middle of all this I was getting fired up about 'The End'. Like 'When Adam's treatment ENDS we are going to have a hell of a party.' Well his chemo and radiation treatments are done; have come to 'The End' but we are not in the partying mood. Adam is relieved, we are exhausted and 'The Party' doesn't have the cache it did a few months ago. Maybe some day.

Right now we are hunkering down with normal life, school, work, and whatever the heck is going on in the economy.

Personally, I need to get my head out of my rear......but I won't bore folks with the details.


Adam is good, Adam is well, Adam is on a camping trip this week with his 6th grade class. Gosh that boy goes camping a lot.

Great News tempered

We waited longer than usual. Finally Dr. Kuttesch arrived. After some small talk with Adam he let us know that two of the three imaging tests, the brain CT and the bone scan, were completely clear. The MRI showed no cancer in Adam's orbitals but did show a spot in his right lung. This spot has been there for a while and Dr. K does not think it is a problem. But it's there so we will have to watch it. Adam is clear of cancer but we were hoping for a completely clear report.


He will have to go back monthly to flush his port o cath and will go back in three months for another set of imaging tests.

Trio

On Thursday Adam had a trio of imaging tests: MRI, CT Scan, and a total bone scan. He has also been participating in a 'Coping' study through out his treatment and he had to be interviewed for that as well.
We now await the results of the imaging. We should hear on Monday.
Thursday night I walked in the 'Light the Night' event at LP Field in Nashville. This was to raise money and awareness for Leukemia and Lymphoma. Folks were given balloons that lit up; either white, red or gold. White was for survivors, red for family members and gold in remembrance of loved ones who died. Despite the rain it was well attended. It was a pretty corporate affair but that didn't ruin it completely.

Thanks to many of you I was able to raise $785 for the event.

Yesterday I participated with some folks from work in a Habitat build. I've done a couple of these things before and have never felt particularly useful. This time though I was assigned to caulk under the roof line. It involved being up on a high ladder and concentrating on laying down a neat and even bead of caulk. It got pretty good at it and used it as an opportunity to practice some the meditation/breathing techniques I've been experimenting with. I was able to get two houses worth of caulking done. Who says Buddhist meditation can't be practical!


Adam is away on a Scout camping trip this weekend. He left last night and will be back tomorrow. Apparently the main event was a breakfast cooking competition which began at 530am this morning. All I can say is I am glad it's Mr. Gregory (the scout leader) and not me having to deal with Adam at 530am!

My old college buddy Gerald and his friend Cookie are coming to town today. Gerald is a huge fan of Bob Pollard (former leader of the great Guided by Voices) and is doing a 'Deadhead' like following Bob on tour trip throughout the southeast. Should be fun. We are going to get some Princes Hot Chicken too. Never pass up an opportunity to get some hot chicken!

Go Dores! Go Bama! Go Obama!


I will get the results of Adam's tests as soon as we get them up on the blog.

Peace

Fall seven times
Stand up eight

ZEN PROVERB

Adam is well

It's hard to believe we are almost done. This Thursday Adam will go in for a days worth of imaging tests. God willing, the tests will show a complete absence of the cancer. Lately when people ask about Adam I have said, "He's done with chemo!" He is done and that is great. Sometimes I am not sure how I feel. I am relieved and I am very happy. Adam is coming out of his chemo funk. His appetite is picking up a little. I even gave him a 'booster' lesson on his bike. He hadn't ridden in a while. He caught on almost immediately. His hair is coming back in. His lashes and brow are growing slowly back. We bought hiking boots yesterday. He's looking forward to a scout trip coming up and a class camping trip right after.

I feel a little depleted. I feel worried. It's not rational. I know the treatment has been successful. My thinking goes something like this: What next? This cancer is pretty rare and Adam got it. What else is in store? I'll get over that I am sure with time.

This past 7 months has forced me to think deeper about myself. At times I have been better for it. Adam's illness and his bravery have made me better....at times. At other times I have been angry, sad and depressed by my lack of 'inspiration'. I have explored, thought about, prayed about this whole thing. But that hasn't kept me from being the same selfish son of a bitch that I know I can be. Way back in the beginning I said how much I appreciate and feel indebted to all the people who have shown Adam and our family support of all kinds. I meant that. I am not sure if I will ever have it in me to make it up. I can try to 'pay it forward'. But I fear my efforts will seem paltry compared to the true generosity we have received.


Adam is well.

Amen.


ps--we've raised $760 for Light the Night against leukemia and lymphoma. Way to go!
http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2471_ebrinson1

20/20

Adam's check up with Dr. Mawn went extremely well. I was worried because the last time we met with Dr. Mawn his sight in his left eye was only 20/60 and we were a little ashamed because we hadn't been as aggressive with the eye drops as we should have.

It was with great relief as I watched Adam go through the ever decreasing sized letters almost perfectly. He 'passed' with flying colors. 20/20!

His eye lashes are growing back which means that his eye is getting more natural lubricant which means that his eye doesn't look as irritated as it did. His brow is growing back as well. We had been told that his lashes and brow may take months to grow back. It looks like he is ahead of schedule.

My mom's knee replacement surgery went very well and she is going home today. She says she can really tell the difference after going through the initial rehab exercises. No pain, no gain Mom!

Help Rhonda

Rhonda Clark works at Vandy Childrens Hospital. When we were first getting acquainted with the inpt unit she was by far the most friendly and cheerful person we met. She greets folks at the front door, answers questions and is generally helpful. She also has CP and is wheelchair bound. I have mentioned her before. Adam did a class project on CP and featured Rhonda and her assistance dog, Art. Please go to her web site http://www.rhondaclark.net/

I am writing about her again because she is trying to qualify for Extreme Home Makeover on ABC. She has to get 1000 signatures. She has over 600 already.

On her home page click on 'sign the petition'. Fill out your signature information and press 'next'. You will be directed to a site that will ask for a donation. YOU DO NOT NEED TO DONATE ANY MONEY. Just click next and then when the credit card page appears, click cancel at the bottom.

Rhonda really deserves it!

710.....

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2471_ebrinson1

Thanks to many of the readers of this post and many generous folks at work we have raised $710 for the Light the Night event. My original goal was to raise 200. I didn't mean to underestimate people's generosity. I thank you very much.

The event is Thursday October 16th at LP Field, home of The Titans. Adam has imaging tests all day that day so I am not sure he will be in the frame of mind to spend his few hours of free time marching around a football stadium. I'll be there and I will be very proud to brag about all the good folks who have donated through me.

Tomorrow Adam has an appointment with Dr. Mawn, the eye surgeon who removed the tumor. When I mentioned his appt today he was a little startled and asked if there would be any sticks. Thankfully I could say 'no' but getting an eye exam isn't always fun either. At least he doesn't have to miss any school.

Please keep my mom, 'Juju' to her grand kids, in your thoughts and prayers. She had knee replacement surgery today. I am confident this will make her life a whole lot better, but tonight she is in a lot of pain. Hang in there Mom!

A special 'shout out' to our friends Mel and Pam who put our donations over the 700 mark!

$ 610!

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2471_ebrinson1

Chemo aint for sissies, to borrow a phrase. Adam is done but the effects linger. He's been feeling bad physically all week and today it caught up with him. He went to school but got sick and had to be picked up. No big deal.
He will return to school tomorrow and hopefully feel well enough to play in his soccer game on Saturday.

Go Vandy. Go Bama.

$585! Way to Go! http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2471_ebrinson1

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2471_ebrinson1

"Adam's counts are good"

"Adam's counts are good." That was the text I got from Martha at 402pm today. That meant that Adam's last chemo session was on schedule. We worried that once again Adam's counts would be under and he'd have to wait, again, for his supposedly last chemo treatment. No more waiting. His mood was almost giddy Martha said. When treatment was over he ran out of the clinic and out of the hospital. Hooray!

We will celebrate in style at some point but tonight we are simply basking in the knowledge that the nausea, the fatigue, the saline push are know more. Yes Adam will have to make regular trips for ongoing imaging. As much as every 3 months. But compared to the inpt chemo, the radiation and the increasingly agonizing trips to the clinic that will be a piece of cake.

After the session was over Martha took Adam to get a new gameboy game. I took Camille to her soccer practice. One of Adam's friends, Jack, was also there with his younger brother so I called Martha to see if Adam could come and hang out. Normally, right after chemo, Adam would be lethargic and moody. Not today. He came right over and was running, playing, laughing.

This morning I dropped Adam off at school. As I watched him walk and join the other kids as they entered the school I breathed in all the pain, isolation, anger, sadness and frustration of the last 6 months, and I breathed out all the health, excitement, joy and 11 year old adventure that awaits Adam for the rest of the school year.......God willing.

THANK YOU FOR THE DONATIONS. We've raised $510 so far.



http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2471_ebrinson1

I lost a bet.

A prayer for Nan

If you have been following this blog you may have read a few post responses by my friend Nan. Nan has been incredibly supportive both as a friend and a colleague at work. Today Nan's mother died unexpectedly. She is an older woman whose health has been fragile but Nan thought she was making progress. Today's sad news was a complete shock. Please keep Nan and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

For Nan..

Mother's Evening Prayer
O gentle presence, peace and joy and power;
O Life divine, that owns each waiting hour,
Thou Love that guards the nestling's faltering flight!
Keep Thou my child on upward wing tonight.
Love is our refuge; only with mine eye
Can I behold the snare, the pit, the fall:
His habitation high is here, and nigh,
His arm encircles me, and mine, and all.
O make me glad for every scalding tear,
For hope deferred, ingratitude, disdain!
Wait, and love more for every hate, and fear
No ill, — since God is good, and loss is gain.
Beneath the shadow of His mighty wing;
In that sweet secret of the narrow way,
Seeking and finding, with the angels sing:
'Lo, I am with you always,' — watch and pray.
No snare, no fowler, pestilence or pain;
No night drops down upon the troubled breast,
When heaven's aftersmile earth's tear-drops gain,
And mother finds her home and heav'nly rest.

$310 so far. Thanks for the donations.

Martha, Camille, Adam and I are going to walk in LIGHT the Night as a family. I have sent the word out and we have received a great response.

Thank you!

DONATE

DONATE NOW! please

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2471_ebrinson1

More about John

It is truly amazing how individuals can have such huge influence on others. Teachers have some of the most powerful influence. I am reminded of this daily with both of my children in 'real' school now.
A few posts ago I wrote briefly about my brother in law John who recently died of cancer. John's passion in life was teaching. He did what he loved. Who could ask for more? In tribute to John I selected only a few of the many tributes written to him by former students.
I couldn't help but think what folks will say about me when I am gone. We touch people for better or worse every day. No one gets through this life without making a wake. We are only human and will dish out our share of positive and negative energy. John certainly had his share of both but having read and re read what others have said about him I am truly proud to have known him and been part of his family.
Please read for yourself.


To Mr Fuchs family & friends: Mr Fuchs was one of those teachers that you would never forget. I never had him as a teacher but I would go to him if I had an english question or just to talk . He would always encouge me & tell me not to worrie about the small things. When I told him that I was leaving DLS to go to another HS He said" if you need help any time with the other school english come and vist and he would help" . He will be greatly miss by all of us who had him as a teacher at DE LA SALLE and who knew him. Mr. Fuchs please watch over your family, friends and your former students. May god bless you and may you rest in peace.Love Kathryn (Katie) Richardson class of 2002

Kathryn(Katie) Richardson (Columbus OH /NOLA, OH) Contact me




Mr. Fuchs was the best teacher I've ever had. When I didn't understand something in the text, he was patient and helped me many mornings before school started. He really cared about everyone and wanted them to do well. I miss his funny lectures and the faces he would make in explaining things. And I miss the Mike N' Ikes that he use to pass out to everyone in class! He is by far my favorite teacher and I will always remember him.

Thao Tran (New Orleans, LA) Contact me



Mr. Fuchs was without a doubt my favorite teacher of all time. He inspired me everyday to be a better learner, observer, writer, reader, and person. I always loved the way he made the class laugh but still got his point across. He obviously cared about his students more than any other teacher I can remember and it showed in every way. Whether it was bringing cupcakes on Fridays (against the Administration's wishes) or getting under his desk and putting a metal trashcan over his head to illustrate a part of Canterbury Tales, it was clear that his students were always on his mind in one way or another. I was so blessed to have been able to keep in touch with him long after I graduated from De La Salle. I would practically run to DLS from UNO to show him my grades in English classes and was so very proud to let him know that I was following in his footsteps and becoming a teacher just like him. I only hope that I impact my students the way he impacted my life.All My Love,Caroline N. Laurent De La Salle Class of 1999

Caroline Laurent (New Orleans, LA)

LIGHT UP THE NIGHT

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2471_ebrinson1


I am walking in the LIGHT UP THE NIGHT event in Nashville on October 16th to raise money and awareness in the fight against leukemia and lymphoma. Please go to my Light Up Website (above) and make a donation. It doesn't matter how small.

This is my first small step toward giving back for all the wonderful support Adam and our family have received. I really appreciate your support!

peace

Ed

"Here comes the weekend - I get to see the girls" --the Jam

These messages are a record but only of just so much. Hopefully they have provided information about Adam and his treatment and how we have been dealing with it. Sometimes I wish I could write more but I have to maintain some boundaries and I wouldn't want to 'over expose' myself.



This week has been pretty good for Adam. He has his next and hopefully last chemo treatment in two Mondays. School can be a challenge but when I step back and look at the big picture he is doing great. Better than I ever did....and I didn't have to go through chemo while doing it!

Missed assignment here and there won't kill him and I am trying to take a more zin-like approach (I just wish it wasn't all in the same class!).



Work is another matter. But that is where I have to leave it to the imagination.



Have a fantastic weekend.

Going strong

Adam had a really good weekend. He played hard in his soccer game. His team is now 2-0. Adam is a very good defender. He specializes in disrupting the offensive drive and getting the ball back to our forward strikers. We had practice on Sunday. Quite a workout, but he kept up. Adam also had to get his first major project for school completed. He made a power point presentation on cerebral palsy. A woman who works at Vandy Childrens has CP and Adam focused on her story. You can check her out at her website http://www.rhondaclark.net/ . She was definitely the most friendly person at Vandy Childrens Hospital.


Adam will, hopefully, have his last chemo session in about 2 weeks. Then he will be scheduled for all the imaging he had at the beginning of treatment. And then, assuming he is clear of cancer, he will be done. At some point his port o cath will be removed and he will begin his post treatment check ups. Right now I think that will be for 5 years but I will let you know for sure when I find out.

Have a great week.

Friday.....aaahhhhh.....thank God.

911

We were sitting to a delicious meal. One of Martha's originals. Chicken and onions with a nice gravy. It's our own comfort food. The mood around the table was good. Every one was chatty. Adam threw up all of his rice. It took a while. Then he asked for water and we give him an anti nausea pill. We didn't see that coming. Adam didn't seem that distressed by it. None of us did actually. Just another day living with cancer and chemo. He finished vomiting, drank some water and took an apple to eat. Camille helped clear the table and the night went on like normal.


My brother in law John died last week. He was a writer and a musician. To pay the bills he taught high school and loved doing it. This is apparent in what his students had to say about him in the OBIT section of the New Orleans newspaper. Check it out. Go to http://www.nola.com/ and click on obituaries then go to John Fuchs.

This day seemed normal enough, but I guess it isn't. Seven years ago I remember exactly where I was. At work about to go to yet another meeting when I was on the mood disorders unit and passed the group room. Patients were focused on the tv more than usual. The first plane had just hit the tower. We all watched as the second plane hit. We had our meeting anyway but it didn't last very long. Martha called me on my then new cell phone and told me that the Pentagon had just been attacked. The meeting ended and we all went to a tv to watch. Adam and I watched the last part of 93 United on TV the other day. He asked what it was about and we talked about the events of that day. Adam said, "How could people do something so horrible and think it is right?" I had no answer.

Happy Birthday Dad

woohoo. Adam's white blood count was where it was supposed to be yesterday and he was able to get his chemo. He has one more left in three weeks. He's doing pretty well. Went to scouts last night. He's having a hard time remembering to bring home homework....but that has nothing to do with his cancer, more with being an 11 year old.


Today is my Dad's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAR!

love

e

back to work tomorrow

One week off of work has its blessings and its curses. Getting work out of my brain for a week was probably good for me, but if I'm honest I'd have to admit that no work can also make me a little antsy and that's no good either.

I got onto Adam something awful last night because he was terrorizing his sister for the umpteenth time. I got in his face and yelled at him and sent him to bed and then felt guilty about it all night. I apologized this morning and then asked that he stop being mean to Camille. He was then very cooperative and friendly the rest of the morning. Weird.

We had soccer practice today. Adam did well. Initially he was in a bad and fragile mood because his friend Antonio had accidentally knocked him in the head. Adam has become particularly sensitive to knocks and bruises during this latter part of his treatment. I took him aside and encouraged him, with a little firmness, to shake it off and get ready to practice. He did and the practice went well. These things can go either way. There is no play book and I am batting about .500 when it comes to good decision making. That might be great in baseball but it sucks in life.

I need to find a way to get some better self discipline in all aspects of my life. I think I am really ready to be back to the grind tomorrow.



Amen.

damn, damn, damn

Damn, damn, damn. Once again Adam's white blood count was too low. In the 400s instead of over 750 where it needs to be to continue and complete his chemo. Another office visit, another painful needle going into his port o cath, another missed half day of school for nothing. Dr. Kuttesch also informs us that Adam actually has two more chemo sessions to go. Our next appt is on Monday to check his count. If it's over 750 he will be infused, if not then we wait until his blood is right. His final (and we really mean it this time) chemo session will be three weeks after this next one (whenever that is).

Dr. K was somewhat perplexed about why his count was so low. He asked if Adam had been sick, feverish, etc. Not since two Mondays ago. Actually his health, as measured by energy level and mood, seems to have been better while we were down on the coast. Whatever the reason, this continues my frustration with these last weeks of treatment. They seem to be dragging way, way out.

My parents gave me a laughing Buddha statue for my birthday. It now sits at the front door and will hopefully remind me to keep all in perspective, focus on the positive, and breathe one day at a time....

After today's fruitless clinic visit Adam and I went to eat some pizza at Pizza Perfect, right across from Vanderbilt, and then to Borders book store. We had to compete with Vanderbilt-South Carolina football traffic to park but the book store was a nice debriefing from the clinic. Adam got his favorite, Charlie Bone #6 (I think), I found something too. Just hanging out in the bookstore helped chill us down I think.

Camille has a make up soccer practice this afternoon. There is a tennis court at the park where she practices. I might try and get Adam to hit some balls.

Last night Martha and I went to see Squeeze. The show was great. They referred to themselves as their own best cover band which only made me feel old. But they played loud and sharp and just about all their hits. Aimee Mann opened. Couldn't have been better. Mary, Ben, Patrick and his friend Zack also joined us. They evacuated from New Orleans but returned today. Good times...

Goodbye John

Several years after being diagnosed with cancer and several months after relapsing my brother in law John died early yesterday morning. He had been in hospice for several weeks.



John and my mother in law Connie were evacuated from New Orleans in Mississippi with my sister in law Connie and her husband Scott.



John's sardonic humor, intelligence and loving curmudgeon sensibility will be missed.



When I told John that I was going back to school to become a social worker many years ago he gently encouraged me not to be the type of social worker who projects a superior, stony faced, objectivity in their work. I think John had run into this type of social worker a lot in his years of teaching school. I frequently think of his helpful career advise in my work at the hospital. I hope that if John had seen me work he would not have been disappointed.



Thanks John.

best laid plans

This is not it. Friday I picked up Adam from school to go to what we thought would be his last chemo session. I reminded him on the way to the clinic that 'this is it', no more chemo. I was hoping he would be a little more chipper, or at least not flat out rude toward the clinic staff, because there would be no more treatments after today. It worked a little. He wasn't quite as dismissive of the nurses and the doctor. We had a new doctor, Dr. Stephanie Lowas. She had just joined the clinic a few weeks ago. She was very nice and very good with Adam. She also had some disappointing news. Adam's white blood count was 250, about 450 less than it should be in order to go forward with the chemo. This makes sense because he had just had a chemo treatment on Monday. Chemo brings down his white blood count. Damn, damn, damn. His 'last' chemo would have to be rescheduled for next Thursday. Adam was not happy, but he didn't fall apart either. He quickly realized that this meant we could get started with our planned trip to Dauphin Island to spend some time with Juju, Bear, Lucy, Jay, Tucker and Julia.



Martha could not go down south. Her brother John is dying of cancer. He is in hospice and she has to be ready to fly down for the funeral. Also she just couldn't go on 'vacation' while her family is preparing for John's death. Also she had to work all day Friday and couldn't leave early. Also, she could use the break.



So Adam, Camille and me were driving down to Gulf Coast planning a rendezvous with Gustav. Makes no sense at all. Except that Adam really wanted this trip and there was a chance that the storm would go further west and Dauhpin Island would remain unblemished this time. I kept telling myself this as we hit some of the worse traffic I have experienced driving to the Alabama coast. I also kept thinking, "Am I a complete idiot to be driving my kids toward what appears to be a major hurricane?!" Ah, yeah, I guess I am. It took us about 9 hours. We got in sometime after 11pm at night.



Saturday was good. Adam and Camille, Tucker and Julia, had a fun time on the beach, looking for shells and hermit crabs, playing in the pool and of course watching football. Cousin Finn joined us later. Adam sees Finn every summer. But they still had to warm up to each other and I imagine Finn was a little nervous about how to deal with his cousin with cancer. Finn did great. Adam did pretty good too. With a little encouragement Adam, Finn, uncle Jay and me got into a wicked keep away pool football game. It may have worn Adam out a little but it was great to see him having a such a ball. That night we all watched Alabama beat up on Clemson. Adam nodded off during the third quarter. Finn gave us a lot of color commentary. Good times.

We figured that our time on the Island was going to be brief, as in we would be leaving Sunday, so I made the decision to cancel the party we had planned for all the great folks who have been supporting Adam. Sorry we couldn't show our appreciation more concretely but please know how much we appreciate your prayerful support.



Sunday morning the condo owner sent some guys over to board up the porch doors. So much for the view. We also got word that the Island was being evacuated. We casually loaded up and headed over to Fairhope. Luckily the traffic flow from Louisiana and Mississippi was flowing. Heavy, but flowing. We unpacked. This whole time I was trying to practice what I think I have been learning over the past 6 months. Breathe, flow, and go with it. Hanging out with one's family gives many opportunities to practice this skill, but add an oncoming hurricane and an interrupted vacation and it's like your final exam of acceptance.



We cancelled the party but I insisted that we invite my cousin Carson, David and their kids William and Cecile over for dinner. Carson and her family have been particularly supportive. As I have written before I think, Carson has been steadfast in both morale support and very practical support. She and family took Camille to Kanuga in the middle of the summer. As I told Carson, this was so special because this summer will be the first summer Camille really remembers and it will always be associated with Adam's cancer, but at least part of it will be remembered by Camille has having so much fun with Cecile, 'big brudder' and the 'girl mom'.

Hurricane Gustav is battering the Mississippi and Louisiana coasts as I write. My in laws have all made it out of New Orleans and it appears that most of the inhabitants have evacuated. I heard today that 2 million people evacuated the coast. Apparently this is the largest evacuation in American history. Wow. Mary and Ben and their kids are in Nashville with Martha. And maybe that's the reason Martha stayed behind.


until next time....

This is it.

So here we are in the last week of chemo. Adam had a treatment on Monday and his last will be on Friday. We are hoping to get down to the coast this weekend but are closely watching Gustave as it threatens the Gulf. Bad timing.

Adam earned big bucks today for "JANET'S PLANET'. Go to janetsplanet.com to see what that's all about. He acted on a kid public service ad promoting understanding of kids with serious illnesses and disabilities. How much did he earn? Well as I said to Adam, he made more per hour than either Martha or I have ever earned. A good day's work in a couple of hours.


These last few weeks have been particularly tough. Adam's mood at treatment has been difficult but I am trying to be at peace with that. He's got to do what he's got to do.

Or maybe it's just me. It's like the last mile in a 1/2 marathon. It's the hardest. If he gets enough sleep he's usually ok. Having just gone with Adam last week to chemo I have huge respect and sympathy for Martha. I will go again for his last session. Should I encourage him to say 'thankyou' to all the nurses and the doctor? I don't know.

Back in Play

I am assisting soccer coach for Adam's team this year. He had to sit out last season because he had just been diagnosed. I remember being at his soccer practice in March and realizing that he couldn't play the season and would not be coming back for anymore practices.

Yesterday's practice was pretty good. He had probably not had that much physical activity for 6 months. It was hot so I kept telling him to drink water. He tired easily but never gave up. He threw some 11 year old attitude, but nothing too deadly. His team mates who had played with him before were somewhat taken back by his appearance. One kid seeing Adam's nearly bald head, hairless left eye and general depleted condition, said "Adam, is that really you?" But soon they were off running, sweating and kicking.....like normal.

Santiago is the 'real' coach. I have known him for a few years now because our boys have played on the same team frequently. He has also been Adam's coach a couple of times before. He has always impressed me with his calm patience and ever pleasant mood. I told him I could play 'bad' cop to his 'good' cop. So I got after the boys to run a couple of laps. Adam struggled a little on this but did make it around the field twice. Santiago, who is an architect, told me he had been laid off a few months ago. Times have been tough for a lot of folks. He was considering moving and even got some offers from New York. As he checked out that possibility he realized what a great place Nashville is to live and decided to hold out for a local position. Thankfully he was offered a job with a firm that designs hospitals and other medical spaces. He was out of a job for two months and depleted his savings.

Seeing Santiago made me realize, once again, how thankful I should be to live in a great city, with so many good people I have become friends with and such excellent medical care right at our doorstep. Also seeing his attitude was a reminder to resist bitterness and depression even when circumstances push you in that direction. Santiago has 5 boys, all younger that 15, and is obviously a great example to them. I can only aspire to that.

"Man's grasp should exceed his reach, or what is a heaven for."

Adam went to school today. His temp was down where it supposed to be and he was in as good a mood as I can expect for a school morning. He may have some work to catch up on but I think getting him back in school is the best decision. I say that knowing that putting him back in school may have exposed him to whatever set his temp to over 101 two days ago. School is that important.



My CEO, Mike, just gave me two tickets to the Bruce Springsteen concert tonight!

Gotta go.

janus effect

It seems as if Adam has two very distinct personalities. One is his 'real' self. Smart, playful, fun etc. The other is his 'chemo' self. Sullen, disengaged, fearful, angry. When I was with him today at the clinic to see if he would need to be admitted due to his fever I saw both, one right after the other. When the nurse, or some other clinic person, comes around he clams up and, unless I give him a nudge, acts as if she isn't even there talking to him. As soon as they go away he is back to telling me the next funny scene that is about to be on Sponge Bob (he should know, he's seen every one of the episodes umpteen million times). It's pretty aggravating. Not that Martha and I have been too tough on the proper manners thing over the years, but generally Adam has a lot of natural affability. Well that is all drained away in the clinic. As much as I want to yell at him right then and there, embarrassed that he is treating these kind professional folks (mostly) so poorly, I breathe (yes, I still have to tell myself to do that) and wait. I gently, gently remind Adam to try and be kind but I back off quickly. He doesn't argue with this suggestion. The affable Adam agrees. But that's not the Adam I am trying to reach.

This is Adam's show. His life. And his way of dealing with this stuff. Mostly it's working so who am I to judge. The clinic folks are professionals and can take it I think.

The good news today. His fever broke. The culture is negative so far (they will continue to watch it for another two days). He will not have to be admitted. He goes back to school tomorrow. Two more chemo appts. Both are next week; Monday and Friday. And then he is done. I reminded Adam of that. He really dreads the chemo appts. Today as the nurse was accessing his port he became very upset and feared he would vomit. This wasn't even chemo, just saline to clear out the line for the antibiotic medicine. I asked Adam what was making him nauseous and he snapped at me. "The saline!" Luckily the feeling passed and he didn't vomit.

After the appt was over we went to Wendy's and then to spend some old gift cards at Walmart. That cheered him up a little until we got home and he had to hit the books to try and stay caught up with school.


Mythology lesson: Janus was usually depicted with two heads (not faces) looking in opposite directions, and was frequently used to symbolize change and transitions such as the progression of past to future, of one condition to another, of one vision to another, the growing up of young people, and of one universe to another. He was also known as the figure representing time because he could see into the past with one face and into the future with the other.

fever

Have you ever had a nightmare where you are walking down a hallway approaching the end and then the hallway begins to stretch out....the closer you get the further you are away.....or is that just a scene from The Shining?

Adam is down to his last week and a half of treatment. He had a chemo session yesterday, one is planned for next Monday and the last for next Friday. It seems like until this week he had been doing well over all. Yes he was tired easily and moody at times, but these situations seemed within limits and getting better.

Adam vomited yesterday at the chemo visit and this morning he was not feeling well. He said he was having a stomach ache. But I took him to school anyway with instructions to try and stay in school but to call home if it gets worse. Well he did have to call home and as it turns out he was running a fever. A fever is a bad thing when your immunity system is down, which his is, because what may be a normal cold for most of us can become much more serious and quickly. Martha picked him up and took him to the clinic. We were worried that he may have to be admitted but thankfully he was able to go home with more meds and we have another check in tomorrow.

Damn, we are just about there, I can almost touch it....but the hallway just stretches out.

"I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma." Eartha Kitt

3rd to last

Adam had a very busy weekend. He went on another river camping trip with his Troop. He left early on Saturday and did not get back until yesterday around 445. He then had to complete his first mini project for school; a timeline for social studies. He got it done...I think.

He went for an eye appointment and is waiting for his 3rd to last chemo today. Martha tells me that Dr. Mawn, the eye specialist, thinks Adam needs to go back on eye drops. His vision in his left eye is a little impaired probably due to dryness and swelling. Apparently because he has no lashes his eye dries out quicker. The oil from your eye lashes helps lubricate your eye. You learn something new every day. Dr. Mawn says the drops, both the steroid drops and the soothing jell drops, are necessary for another month.

Addendum: (As it turns out his chemo visit didn't go too well. Adam is now at the point that apparently happens to many cancer patients. He becomes nauseous and gagging even before getting the chemo medication. I've heard that some cancer patients become nauseous as soon as they enter the clinic. Thankfully he is almost done. I used to call the outpt chemo the 'good' chemo as opposed to the 'bad' inpatient chemo. It's all necessary but none of it is fun.)

Adam has been waking up for school fairly well over the past couple of school mornings. Getting him to bed before 9 seems to do the trick.

school week

Adam's first week back at school has been pretty good. He is just as disorganized as he was before he got sick and needs as much getting onto.....but that's ok he earned that honestly and genetically from the paternal side of the family.

He has been very exhausted when he gets back and it only took one hell-acious morning mood of Adam's to make me make him go to bed early the next night...which he did not put up a fight over. This really helped. The last two mornings he has been in a decent mood. Camille is another story....but this is not her blog!


Adam has to hit the hay early tonight as well because he needs to be up and at St. Edwards School tomorrow at 7am to meet his Scout Troop for another trip. This time they are going white water rafting out near Chattanooga (I think). Very Cool! Adam's soccer season starts next Friday with his first practice. I will be his assisting coach Santiago this season. Time to read Coaching for Dummies.

Three more treatments left....

first day

Officially summer ends on September 21st but let's face it, summer ends on the first day of school. And the first day of school was today. It was an important day at our house. Camille's first day of kindergarten and Adam's first day of real school in 5 months. I remember Adam's first day of kindergarten, he practically ran to his classroom, full of enthusiasm with no since of reluctance or anxiety. Camille was a little more cautious apparently. She held on tightly to mom's hand but eventually relinquished and walked into her first 'big girl' class room. Bright eye'd and ready, mostly.

I drove Adam to school. I always have strange feelings on Adam's first days. I guess it's vicarious, but I get a sense of my own past first days back at school: basically the feeling of fear. Adam was a little anxious this morning, but I think that had to do with being out since March, not getting very good sleep and his eye giving him some trouble. But it wasn't fear. When we got there I helped him carry his saxophone. He grabbed his back pack and we found out that because he was early he had to go wait in the 'before school' care area in the school gym. He walked right in, told me good bye and found two guys he knew to sit with. And that was that. My own fearfulness continued inexplicably. Adam's experience of grade school has flat out been better than mine and that is important to remember. His feelings are his own, as will be his memories, regardless of being sick. Driving on to work I wondered if he would find the same acceptance he received when he got diagnosed last spring. Would he get comments about his only barely there hair? Would he get comments about no brows or lashes? Or just about his, now seemingly obvious, lack of energy. Second guessing myself as to the appropriateness of getting him back into school before the end of treatment I arrived at work, got out of the car, and entered the hospital. It's Monday, time to work.

As it turns out I had nothing to worry about. Adam had a good day. Hooked up with some old friends. He's fine.

He had a chemo visit today. This included a medicine that makes him nauseous and he did vomit while in the clinic. But he's ok now and ready go back to school tomorrow. He will be teaching two of his school mates how to take the bus home after school. He's a pro.

more wedding pictures

Eddie with Adam and Rayce
That's right, Martha is dancing with me
speaks for itself

Groom's side

man makes plans, god laughs

Adam and Camille both went to their respective school orientations yesterday. Adam's was the same as last year. A quick tour and run down of the classes, and a talk by the principal. Camille's was a 'popsicle' social. She was cautious and clingy at first but warmed up after a while. Both start school on Monday.

I told Martha that I was very happy we were about to get back into a school schedule. Martha reacted appropriately. "You think you're happy..." Oops, I had momentarily forgot that it has been Martha dealing with Adam and Camille all summer. She has stayed home with them, missing work, or worse, taken them to work with her....missing work. And believe me, these two together can drive you nuts. Martha has done just about all of it. Taken Adam to weekly chemo and daily radiation. Dealt with all the day-in and day-out tasks. What she has done is really incalculable and she has never complained and she has not made me feel guilty for not being as involved as I would have liked. I guess I owe her dinner....or something :)

Adam would normally have been involved in camp, going to stay with grand parents and this summer just plain hanging out in the 'hood. But that's not what fate/god/creation had planned. The summer has not been as awful as it could have been to be sure. If you ask Adam he will glibly say he has had fun...but given a chance to think about it and a much different response will arise.

My own hopes for Monday are probably naive: the re-start of regular life. But the universe is likely to laugh at that one. The big cosmic HA! Adam still has a ways to go, even after treatment ends. More imaging, more check-ups, the eventual removal of his port-o-cath. Putting Adam back into school now is our choice and we have received some advice to the contrary. Adam's social worker suggested that he may still be too easily fatigued and not ready. Obviously we disagree. Our thinking goes something like this. Yes Adam is easily fatigued and that may have some effects on his performance. But, and this is a big 'but', we think the opportunity to get Adam back with his friends and in an intellectually stimulating environment is worth the risk. We've done our best to keep life normal during cancer treatment but that is actually impossible. Getting back into the school life (he's been out since March) will not only help Adam but Martha and me too. We could be wrong. Who knows, we may have to pull Adam out of school again. He may perform poorly academically....but I doubt it. I think it's the right decision.

I know he thinks so.

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.--Russell Banks

Memphis 100 degrees at the Zoo

nephew Cole-man none too happy: L to R

Camille, Peter, Gil, Adam, Dad, Coleman