free fall

Today I begin this new chapter, phase, journey, free fall, roller coaster...whatever. Two weeks ago I was invited to consider taking a new path (my Directors position at Skyline was being eliminated). It was a Monday and I had my regular weekly meeting with K., by boss and the hospital COO. The meeting was re-sheduled from 3 to 2. Kay was being particularly sweet to me and I noticed that the HR director was hanging around. I was too dense to put 2 and 2 together.....until I walked into my meeting with K. and saw the HR director in there as well. Then I knew what was about to happen. Having been on the other side of this trip a few months ago when I had to lay off several folks. I didn't see it coming but I wasn't surprised either. Times are tough at Skyline and probably not going to get better for a few months at least so looking for more cuts only makes sense from a for-profit, bottom line perspective.

I immediately decided to be cool about it. As K. 'invited' me to take a full time clinical position and then added, after I asked about salary, that my directors job was being eliminated, I was at peace. She was a little surprised by my reaction and told me she had lost all sorts of sleep over the weekend ('good' I thought....but not meanly).

The proposition of staying with a cut in pay wasn't completely out of consideration given the times we are in. I left that meeting thinking I could go either way: stay or take the decent severance and consider my options.

Almost immediately I felt great. It was like I was on crack or something. I felt lighter, happier and more energized. I didn't know what to do with myself. As word got out plenty of folks came to me to say how sorry they were, what a loss this would be, what a good guy I am etc. It was definitely good for my ego. People were amazed at how at peace I was. I wasn't pissed off. I wasn't slamming administration. I was happy ( I was not happy that folks were worried, scared and anxious about this latest round of layoffs). People thought I was a saint or something. I tried to explain to Yolanda, one of the best people I know at work, that I was no saint. If this had happened several months I would have raged, kicked, screamed and generally been one nasty m-f'r. Adam was still in treatment and losing my benefits would have been a nightmare. But Adam is finished with treatment, mostly, and he and Camille can be transferred to Martha's benefits. I am no saint. This was just the right thing and the right time. It felt right. And I have zero regret or bitterness.

It was Martha who pushed me to take the severance and do my own thing. That support is huge because this decision will affect our family economically. In the long run though it is the right move.

Today I am no longer the boss. I will actually be doing some prn coverage for most of the month. That will be interesting. I will just be one of the gang. And I genuinely feel worried for the two remaining directors who have to pick up the slack. But honestly, they may do it better than I did. I have been in a rut, I think, for some time. The stress around here had gradually burried me. It's like a frog in warm water. The water gets slowly hotter and the frog doesn't notice until he is frog soup. Luckily for me, I was pulled out of the pot.


I am also actively looking for advice and space to build a private practice. I think I am going to have a ball. I can do what I am best at, family counseling, and learn all sorts of stuff I know nothing about (staring my own business).

I am excited and nervous. But mostly excited!

Peace.

E