cost benefit

The day started with threats of tornadoes and torrential down pours. It has ended with the sun coming out on a beautiful April day.

The wonderful Ms. Dooley at Meigs sent Adam a manila envelope filled with creative homemade get well cards from from his classmates. They came in all shapes and sizes. Some of them were really quite well done and they were all very sweet. Ms. Dooley's own card lamented that Adam not being in school will bring down her class average on the TCAP test. Ms. Dooley teaches science and math; definitely Adam's best subjects. For me Adam missing school is one of the biggest hits he's taking. Adam may not see it that way. I think he is still liking his extended 'holiday.' On the other hand when we mentioned that he may be able to go to school for a few days next week he seemed enthusiastic. Please keep your fingers crossed for a good white blood cell count on Monday morning.

Now that we are 4 weeks into Adam's diagnosis and treatment it almost seems normal and routine. I told my friend Susan at work that I feel guilty for not being as sad, shocked and angry as I was a couple of weeks ago. (Being a bad Catholic gives me a good sense of unearned guilt.) How can living with your child having cancer become routine and normal? Well it does. One can only stay sad, shocked and angry for so long. Adam had his second chemo this week. It went smoothly. He will have his third next week and I am betting it will be just as smooth. At some point in this I expect that Adam will be so at ease at the Cancer Center he will fall back on his usual habit of befriending all the little kids who are getting their chemo at the same time. Adam's natural charm is a little dampened at the moment; who can blame him.

Good stuff that has happened as a result of Adam's diagnosis: realizing how much people love and care for Adam and our family; increased appreciation for good days or even moments; taking nothing for granted (really); making closer connections with friends, workmates and neighbors; getting closer to God/Higher Power/Universe/Buddha; re-reading "When Things Fall Apart"; going to church; breathing/meditation; putting things in perspective (especially at work); being less cynical (so far).

Bad stuff that has happened: hearing that Adam had cancer, watching Martha breakdown at the news, becoming familiar with Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital (it's a great hospital but I hate being there) , watching Adam get stuck for an IV, hearing that Adam will have to get radiation therapy, Adam having to stay home from school, realizing that Adam will have to worry about cancer for the rest of his life, summer plans out the window, summer camp for Adam cancelled, no soccer, the first time I saw Adam vomit from chemo, worrying about side effects.

Add it up.