What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
--Calvin and Hobbes

Tomorrow Adam goes back into Vandy Childrens for his second overnight chemo treatment. This time Martha is taking a much deserved break and I will be with Adam until Friday morning.

I have left a message with Gilda's Club. It may be time for Adam to benefit from a support group. He is doing pretty good and even seems like he is in a better mood over the past couple of days but Martha and I think he probably needs to be around others who can truly identify with what he can't even express. He probably needs to be able to let loose with a few choice words about what he's going through without having to worry he will offend----not that we would blame him...

When Adam gets through this, maybe even years from now, he will be stronger and better. I am not ready to say that the pain, fear, and lonliness he is experiencing now is worth that future benefit but I think to deal with this in a healthy way I have to believe that. He will be Superman. He would have faced one of the greatest fears we have in the modern age---the big C. And he would have moved through it.

Martha and I are filling out these questionaires for a research study being run by Vandy graduates (I guess) focusing on how families communicate and cope when their child has been diagnosed. Clearly we are fortunate to have Adam. Based on the questions and survey items I read Adam must be doing really well compared to other folks in similar situations. This has almost nothing to do with us. Adam's natural disposition, his character, his own self is such a gift. From God? Nature/Nurture. I have to go with nature. Isn't that the same as saying God, Creator, Universe? Well, thanks Universe.
I'm pissed at the Universe, but I am also grateful for the blessing it has bestowed on our kids. Camille has been absolutely fantastic through all of this. Would I be so grateful for Adam's hidden strength if it wasn't for being so f'ing pissed that he has cancer. Being pissed or angry isn't really useful. I am not pissed at any one or even God. Words fail. Maybe anger isn't the emotion. Sad, regretful, what? How about 'vulnerable'? Or exposed? Or weak?

Ok enough, tonight Martha and I take another break. Elvis Costello is playing at the Ryman. You must think we are bad parents but living in 'music city' sometimes presents opportunities to see some great music. And besides Adam still loves us getting out of his hair. He has never been a clingy child. Camille's teacher, Ms. Kelley, is coming over again. For Camille, having Ms. Kelley come over is like Elvis Costello come over for us. She's like a rock star!