catholic buddhist

Adam went to spend the night with his friend Antonio last night. It was Antonio's annual birthday sleep over and I am happy Adam felt up to going (and I am really happy he was invited). When Camille and I picked him up from Antonio's after church he was clearly dragging. Adam's stomach has been hurting (constipation), he is probably anemic and tomorrow we will see where his white blood cell count is. We expect it to be low and that will probably mean he will not go to school this week as we had hoped. These are all predictable effects of the chemo therapy. I just gave him some orange juice with a prescribed laxative mixed in. I hope it does the trick.

At church today the deacon was speaking on prayer. He made the point that often we think of prayer as a way of controlling or contracting God. I don't really know what prayer is. I think I have tended to pray to avoid trouble or to ask for things--like a raise or a good grade. The deacon made a joke saying, "God, I know you are busy, but if you could just sign this contract you could be on your way." It's funny and true, that is how I have thought of prayer in the past. I am not interested in foxhole spirituality; Adam's situation, our situation, has given me an opportunity to explore spirituality but I am making no bargains with God--if you would just take care of Adam I will be a good catholic. No, that is not what this is about. And besides I am happily a bad catholic. I am trying my hardest to pray without asking for things. I can't find the words so often I picture in my mind what or who I want to hold up. I breathe in what is harmful or oppressing and I breathe out what is healthy and empowering. Today when we were on our knees at church I ignored Fr. Breen as he consecrated the bread and wine and just breathed; Buddhists call this Tonglen practice. I don't expect God to make Adam better (I expect this damned chemo to do that). So when I close my eyes or bow my head or turn off the radio on the way to work and just breathe what am I doing? The deacon said that prayer is building a relationship. Prayer is a process. It is not about outcomes or favors. In the mass there are the prayer petitions; 'Please hear our prayer." This lends itself to the very thing I am trying not to do. Please fix this, please fix that. At least it seems that way. I guess the prayer petitions aren't so much a request that these problems be fixed but a prayer that our own compassionate action be called forth---not because that would guarantee a particular outcome but would add loving, kind, and positive energy into the universal mix. Oh brother.....

I am still a Catholic for a couple of reasons: 1) "I know I am not worthy, but only say the word and I shall be healed." That phrase use to thrill me when I was a child because I knew mass was almost over. Now when I hear it I think it is beautiful and underlies that we are all broken; we are all equally not whole, we are all brothers and sisters in God's love. It is a call to humility. At its best Catholicism embraces human weakness and eschews the 'fire and brimstone' focus I see else where. And 2) The Church is so vast and diverse it has room for both folks like me (commie symps, bleeding hearts---face it, Jesus was a leftist) and folks like my Dad (conservative, right wing kooks--I love you Dad; face it, Jesus was a monarchist). But you never know; We had dinner last night with some neighbors at Bill and Tanya's house (great people), both are active Unitarians. Bill is actually in the choir---I know what you are thinking, "Unitarians have a choir!!" Fr. Breen is about the best priest I have ever had as a pastor. When he is gone maybe I will give the Unitarians a try :))


Have a great week. When you are driving to work or play or shopping remember to breathe in and out; and if you could picture Adam, feeling good, running, laughing, (pooping)......