About to go to the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Nashville (FUUN) for the 4th time. Still wondering if this is the right fit for me. I guess I am still a Catholic but until there are big changes in The Church I don't think I am going back (accept for weddings, funerals and such).

It was a great Fourth (except for the death of Steve McNair....sad). Kids had a blast, especially at our friend's farm-pool. Camille is swimming like a fish. Oh how far she's come in a year. She used to be down right scared of the water.

Adam heads out for two weeks to YMCA over night camp later today. Camille starts her first day camp tomorrow at WIDJIWAGIN.

HOT

Damn, it's hot. Approaching the middle of the year and so far, so good for the Nashville Brinson clan. We are all healthy, happy and having a great summer. Adam has just gotten back from two camps in two weeks. The first was Scout camp and the second was Camp Horizon (for cancer survivors). He had a ball at both. It was great to see him be able to return to Horizon in such healthy form. Ironically we just came across a public service type deal he did when he was still in chemo. The difference is night and day. Check it out on my facebook profile page. Or click on this link. http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=91414951558&h=TSXbx&u=dB8_h&ref=mf

Camille has finally decided that she loves the water and is very close to actually swimming. She is getting individual lessons this week in preparation for her first day camp at the YMCA Widjiwagan in two weeks. I will be spending every morning this week with her to take her to her lessons. Should be fun.

Our favorite festival, The Music City Hot Chicken Festival, fast approaches. It is on July 4th in East Nashville and is sure to be hot in more ways than one. Martha's sister Mary and bro in law Ben are taking the train to Memphis then driving over here; all to take part in Hot Chicken.

Martha and I saw Elvis Costello for the upmteenth time last week. He was playing with some really great musicians who call themselves the Sugarcanes. The band included Jim Lauderdale and Jerry Douglas. They played for three hours at the Ryman. We've seen EC so many times it 's hard to say which was the best performance, but this ranks way up on that list.

My friend John Shelton and I are taking our kids for a canoe ride down the Harpeth this Friday. Hopefully the water will be high enough to make it fully enjoyable.

As for me, my private practice seems to be doing well. It's still a novelty for me not to have to go in to a 'real' job every day and I am learning that I have more discipline than I thought but continue to view self discipline as my biggest challenge. I can where jeans to work, 'nuff said. Father's day was great. The kids gave me a turntable that can record vinyl to MP3s. Neat!

mindfulness journal

854-903:   Counted breaths, 1 to 10;  mind tended to wonder to how I would use mindfulness with clients this week,  brought attention back to breaths.  Remembered what Kabat-Zinn said about awareness and ‘proprioception’ and how I ‘know’ where my body is in space.    Also thought about not trying to breath deep but just breath and observe how my body knows to breath.   Kept on coming back to breaths.   Went a little longer than usual today.

 

Proprioception — from Latin proprius, meaning "one's own," and perception — is one of the human senses. There are between nine and 21 in all, depending on which sense researcher you ask. Rather than sensing external reality, proprioception is the sense of the orientation of one's limbs in space. This is distinct from the sense of balance, which derives from the fluids in the inner ear, and is called equilibrioception. Proprioception is what police officers test when they pull someone over and suspect drunkenness. Without proprioception, we'd need to consciously watch our feet to make sure that we stay upright while walking.

mindfulness journal

 

804-808:  with client:   focused on awareness of body in space; in contact with chair or couch, in addition to breath entering and exiting body.   During the practice I began a ‘body scan’ from feet on upward and lost focus on breath…..but that’s ok.    Some of my clients have found this a useful way to begin our sessions.   I think it’s useful for both of us.

mindfulness journal

948-954:   Counted breaths 1 to 10.   Attempting to focus on the awareness of air leaving and entering my body.   Interrupted by outside sounds and thoughts of today’s business.   Attempted to gently refocus on breaths.   Lost count and went back to 1 on a couple of occasions.   Also considered my body in space, in the chair, but detached as well.   Kept eyes closed mostly as a way of reinforcing focus on breathing.    Attempted awareness over thinking.   Still having a problem with this  concept.

Kaddish by Marge Piercey

Look around us, search above us, below, behind.
We stand in a great web of being joined together.
Let us praise, let us love the life we are lent
passing through us in the body of Israel
and our own bodies,
let’s say amen.

Time flows through us like water.
The past and the dead speak through us.
We breathe out our children’s children, blessing.
Blessed is the earth from which we grow,
Blessed the life we are lent,
blessed the ones who teach us,blessed the ones we teach,
blessed is the word that cannot say the glory
that shines through us and remains to shine
flowing past distant suns on the way to forever.
Let’s say amen.

Blessed is light,
blessed is darkness,
but blessed above all else is peace
which bears the fruits of knowledge
on strong branches, let’s say amen.
Peace that bears joy into the world,
peace that enables love,
peace over Israel everywhere,
blessed and holy is peace,
let’s say amen.

something I read today and wanted to pass on

FRIENDLY WISHES
May I be filled with happiness
May I filled with love
May I have a good life
May I have wonderful dreams
And may I live in peace.
May the world be safe
May the world be in peace
May the world be a wonderful place
And may the world be a better place
-Afsafu

all clear

All clear according to the nurse practitioner filling for Dr. Kutesch today. Adam's CT Scan and MRI look fine. He will have two more imaging tests days this year. Next year he will get one every 4 months. The same the year after that and then it's just 1 every 6 months. After 5 years he goes to 'survivors' clinic once per year.

B-Clan Update

It's been a long time. For anyone still following this blog here is the latest about the B clan.

Adam had his second post treatment imaging tests today. He had a CT Scan of his orbital socket and an MRI with contrast. The CT Scan goes quickly. The MRI takes about an hour. It's not as awful as when he first had to have one because now they have this virtual movie contraption that he can view and listen to. Apparently it blocks out much of the incredibly annoying sound that the MRI makes. He did fine. I did notice as we entered the hospital that he slipped back into his 'treatment zone' mood. Flatter than a pancake. This contrast with what Martha and I have been noticing lately. He seems to be much more out of his shell. Martha thinks this is because he only recently began to feel mentally 'free from treatment' despite the fact that he looks 'normal' as can be. Well, for whatever reason, it's a welcome development.

Adam is pretty busy. His soccer season recently started up, he's going to saxophone practice once per week and has scouts once per week. He goes on monthly scout outings. His next one is May 1st. He'll be going on a two day hike.

Camille is pretty busy too. She's playing soccer and goes to dance every Wednesday.

Spring is definitely back and that mean a lot more on the go. Adam is actually wanting to ride his bike and had a major wipe out last week. He needs a new bike. The other is busted up pretty bad. Camille screams when I try and put her on her bike with training wheels.

We are headed for D-World in a few weeks. It's our 'guilty family pleasure' and this year's birthday gift from me to Martha. We are taking cousin Kira with us this year. Should be a blast.

My new practice is developing nicely. It's both liberating and scary being in charge of your own shop. A unity of opposites I guess. I am really enjoying it.

Martha is still working hard for SJRI. I think Dr. Christie knows what an asset he has in her.

Spiritually speaking I am still a wanderer. Have not been to church much lately. I am re-reading Following Christ in a Consumer Society. I read this book 22 years ago when I was in the JVC. It impressed me then but I think it's even more impressive now. Very challenging book. I highly recommend it. I am still trying to practice breathing meditation as regular as I can. I pray. I take celexa. Great combination.

For those who are still keeping up, thanks again for all your support. See you on Facebook!

I know I'm her pop, but don't you think my daughter is beautiful??

This little place was our best food find. Real local hang out with Hawain comfort food. Mmm.

Para Sailing in Hawaii

On our way out to para sail.

Sandy Beach

The waves at Sandy Beach were ferocious. A little too ferocious for Adam and Camille to actually get into. I went in and got pretty beaten up by the surf.

Adam in Sub

One of the coolest things we did in Hawaii was ride in a submarine. We are at 113 ft below sea level. The veiws were amazing.

Camille at Hanauma Bay

Thank You Erin Stryker and Make a Wish!

It may have taken 22 hours to get there (thanks to Delta where their new slogan 'Sorry for the Inconvenience' is going over nicely...that wasn't very nice was it?), but it was totally worth it.

Thanks to Erin Stryker and the Make a Wish Foundation we had a really terrific time. We will never be able to thank Erin enough for all the hard work she put into this trip but it really paid off.

Adam had a ball. Camille was so sorry to be leaving. Martha and I would like to move their when we 'retire' (yeah, right).

We were busy the whole time. We road a submarine and saw sea turtles resting on a ship wreck, we para sailed, we visited the only royal palace in the the United States, we hiked into and onto Diamond Head, we ventured to Sandy Beach (apparently one of the best beaches for body and surfing and also a beach with a very high rescue frequency. The waves were gnarly and a little scary!), we snorkeled, we took a day trip to visit the Polynesian Cultural Center, we visited Punchbowl Crater, we reverently visited Pearl Harbor and the Arizona Memorial, we watched surfers as young a two (no kidding) hitting the waves, we hung out at the beach, we slept (well), we ate well, we wondered why there were ABC Stores on every block, we met a lot of friendly locals, we marvelled at the beauty of the place. It was just fantastic.

Adam's treatment is a memory (not fading, but receding) so this trip was like a pure gift and somehow we will have to pay it forward (as they say).

Again, a truly heartfelt THANKS to all who made this possible but especially Erin.

Friday the 13th (one year out)

Friday the 13th is considered a bad luck day by some (I heard today on NPR that there are more than usual Friday the 13ths this year). I guess last year's Thursday the 13th was bad luck for us. Today marks Adam's one year anniversary of his diagnoses. And what a year it has been. We celebrated by going to our favorite Chinese restaurant tonight. Everyone is healthy. As we count our blessings we are looking forward to our Hawaii trip next week. Make a Wish is doing all the planning so for the most part what we are going to be doing is still a mystery. We find out our itinerary tomorrow night.
All I know now is that early Monday morning (5 something) we are being picked up in a limo to be taken to the airport. We are flying to Atlanta and then 10 hours straight to the islands.

I wonder what Adam will think about all the girls in straw skirts and skimpy bikinis on the beaches?

Adam has another day of imaging coming up in April (I think).

Off to Raccoon Mt.

Nothing much to report really. Adam is doing great. He's on another scouting trip this weekend. They are going to Raccoon Mountain to spend the night in a cave. How cool is that. We (Martha, me and Camille) are headed to Atlanta for my niece's birthday and to just hang with Jared and Heather. Family is good. Especially in times like these....we can commiserate.

My new practice is building slowly, but positively. I am optimistic that it will be where it needs to be when the critical time comes. It's great to work for yourself and your clients with no b.s. Hell, I can wear jeans to work.

Camille is fantastic and happy and talkative, and talkative. She is loving school and worries that her teacher, Ms. A, will miss her when we go to Hawaii for a week over spring break. This is the Make a Wish Foundation Trip. Should be a hoot. Camille is looking forward to the 10 plane ride. The Make a Wish folks are throwing a pizza party for Adam next Saturday to give all the details.

Camp time is coming up. Adam will be returning to Camp Horizon, but this time as a post treatment camper. It will give him an opportunity to help others till in chemo.

It is Lent, and in my bad Catholic fashion I am going to church only inconsistently but I am reading a book by an early Christian mystic called the Cloud of Unknowing. Trying to read it daily. Basically it's a early text on mindfulness practice from a Christian mystic point of view. It's thought provoking.

Have a great weekend!

A great Cause, worthy of your attention and support

http://www.warchild.org/index.html

Check out the CD coming out soon at Amazon.com. War Child Heroes

More Thank Yous

Every street is dark
And folding out mysteriously
Where lies the chance we take to be
Always working
Reaching out for a hand that we can't see
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me
--Hold On Hope, Guided by Voices

And after all this Adam's port removal procedure yesterday went off without a hitch. He was in the O.R. for about 35 minutes, maybe, and then to the recovery area. He took his time waking up but once I put on a spider man cartoon he found energy to sit up, drink his icey and then, when asked "Don't you want to get out of here?", he got dressed and we left. The port is now in a plastic specimen jar on his desk. It will make a great 'show and tell' piece. But I don't think they do show and tell in 6th grade....maybe Camille could show it.

Adam is out of school today to recover but I think he is pretty good except for some soreness around the incision spot.

I know there have been countless prayers, blessings and positive thoughts about Adam through out all of this. It's been almost a year since we started down this road (he was diagnosed in March 08). In some ways it's been an amazingly positive trip. We've seen how loving folks can be. I think my relationship with friends and family old and new has been made richer. Adam, one day, will realize how fortunate he is to have had so many join in solidarity with his struggle. Our family rec room full of car license plates is proof, a reminder of people's love and generosity. As I practice my daily mindfulness exercise, breathing, counting breaths, I say a thank you with each out breath. Maybe one day that will be enough thank yous, but I doubt it.

We were confident from the beginning that Adam would make it; that the treatments would be successful. There was every reason to think so. Rhabdomyosarcoma is very treatable, especially when it is found in such a 'favorable' site. The protocol Adam was placed on had a strong history of effective cancer cure. When we first heard the diagnosis the Dr. said Adam would be in treatment for 1 year. But soon we learned about the protocol. I often think that if he wasn't able to participate in the protocol he'd still be in chemo now. Still be out of school. Still be cut off from friends and activities. Still be bald and losing more weight. I know we 'lucked out'. We are five minutes from Vandy. We have insurance. The list goes on. But our main fortune has been the support and love from YOU. If there is a God then that support, love, prayers and good wishes is how God works. So, thank you God.

We weren't as confident about how we would do (Martha and me) as parents of a kid with cancer. Would this stress us to the max; would it strain our relationship (marriages have broken up over less); would I be able to handle seeing Adam in the pain and misery of chemo? Looking back, I think we did ok. The most painful moment for me was spending the night with Adam at the hospital, I think it was the second inpt stay for chemo, and he was bent over in pain for much of the night and I couldn't do a thing to relieve his pain. Adam's stoicism finally broke down that night. He was clearly suffering and all I could do was help him make it to the bathroom with his IV in tow. That night it really hit home to me that this would be serious up hill struggle. I had confidence in the chances for cure but not in my ability to soldier on. Adam was a champion. He may not have liked it but he never flinched. His courage is what in the end helped me to 'toughen up' enough to get through this. So, thank you Adam. And then there is Martha. She too has been the champion. She took off most of the time to take Adam to appointments. She had to put up with Adam when he wasn't at his most charming. She handled the details. She kept up a very positive front, only cracking occasionally. Tears being a relief. But she never faltered in her focus on doing what had to be done. So. thank you Martha. Not forgetting Camille. Camille really didn't understand about cancer but she knew her brother was sick and had to go frequently to the hospital. We certainly couldn't pay as much attention to Camille as we would have in normal circumstances. Some how she seems to have intuitively understood this. We saw none of the 'regression' we were told to expect. Camille never whined more than usual. She was generally sweet to her big brother, giving him his space, peace and quiet (things are different now of course, they drive each other crazy...but that's ok). So, thank you Camille.

There are many thank yous I can't mention for many more family and friends; my mom and dad, Connie (grandma), Jared and Heather, Jay and Lucy, Carson and David, Anna and the prepared food crew who were so helpful especially in the beginning.... nothing says we are thinking about you like prepare dinner; John and Julia (Fin and Morgan); Adam's class mates with their fantastic get well notes, the nurses at Vandy, Dr. K..... well, the list just goes on and on.

You can not stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. --John Kabat Zinn

showers, rooms and sisters

Adam's port o cath comes out Tuesday. Yippee. I have run into several folks lately who I have not seen in a while but who know about Adam's treatment. They ask 'How's Adam?' with sincere concern and solemnity. I try not to be too glib not wanting to insult their caring concern but sometimes I slip and say something smartalicky like 'He's as good as any smart-ass almost 12 year old.' or 'He's good, would you like to take him home?' or some such thing. The miraculous thing is, those answers are true in their own way. We (Martha and I) are now just dealing with regular stuff. Adam has been great in many ways. His mood, weight, and hair are all back. He's doing good in school. But he needs a lot of reminding about taking showers, cleaning his room and being nice to his sister. And I keep telling myself, or trying to remember to tell myself, just before I clobber him that having to get onto him for these things is a big fat blessing.

So parents, go hug your children, tell them that you love them. And kids, go clean your room.

Exactly Two Things

I mentioned on the notorious facebook recently that my Dad taught me exactly two things:
1) "Actions speak louder than words" and 2) "Message to Garcia". I know it doesn't sound like a lot but these two lessons will take you far. I continue to wrestle with them daily. When I posted #2 some folks were puzzled. What is this "Message to Garcia"? See below:



A Message to Garcia
By Elbert Hubbard
In all this Cuban business there is one man stands out on the horizon of my memory like Mars at perihelion. When war broke out between Spain & the United States, it was very necessary to communicate quickly with the leader of the Insurgents. Garcia was somewhere in the mountain vastness of Cuba- no one knew where. No mail nor telegraph message could reach him. The President must secure his cooperation, and quickly.
What to do!
Some one said to the President, "There’s a fellow by the name of Rowan will find Garcia for you, if anybody can."
Rowan was sent for and given a letter to be delivered to Garcia. How "the fellow by the name of Rowan" took the letter, sealed it up in an oil-skin pouch, strapped it over his heart, in four days landed by night off the coast of Cuba from an open boat, disappeared into the jungle, & in three weeks came out on the other side of the Island, having traversed a hostile country on foot, and delivered his letter to Garcia, are things I have no special desire now to tell in detail.
The point I wish to make is this: McKinley gave Rowan a letter to be delivered to Garcia; Rowan took the letter and did not ask, "Where is he at?" By the Eternal! there is a man whose form should be cast in deathless bronze and the statue placed in every college of the land. It is not book-learning young men need, nor instruction about this and that, but a stiffening of the vertebrae which will cause them to be loyal to a trust, to act promptly, concentrate their energies: do the thing- "Carry a message to Garcia!"
General Garcia is dead now, but there are other Garcias.
No man, who has endeavored to carry out an enterprise where many hands were needed, but has been well nigh appalled at times by the imbecility of the average man- the inability or unwillingness to concentrate on a thing and do it. Slip-shod assistance, foolish inattention, dowdy indifference, & half-hearted work seem the rule; and no man succeeds, unless by hook or crook, or threat, he forces or bribes other men to assist him; or mayhap, God in His goodness performs a miracle, & sends him an Angel of Light for an assistant. You, reader, put this matter to a test: You are sitting now in your office- six clerks are within call.
Summon any one and make this request: "Please look in the encyclopedia and make a brief memorandum for me concerning the life of Correggio".
Will the clerk quietly say, "Yes, sir," and go do the task?
On your life, he will not. He will look at you out of a fishy eye and ask one or more of the following questions:
Who was he?
Which encyclopedia?
Where is the encyclopedia?
Was I hired for that?
Don’t you mean Bismarck?
What’s the matter with Charlie doing it?
Is he dead?
Is there any hurry?
Shan’t I bring you the book and let you look it up yourself?
What do you want to know for?
And I will lay you ten to one that after you have answered the questions, and explained how to find the information, and why you want it, the clerk will go off and get one of the other clerks to help him try to find Garcia- and then come back and tell you there is no such man. Of course I may lose my bet, but according to the Law of Average, I will not.
Now if you are wise you will not bother to explain to your "assistant" that Correggio is indexed under the C’s, not in the K’s, but you will smile sweetly and say, "Never mind," and go look it up yourself.
And this incapacity for independent action, this moral stupidity, this infirmity of the will, this unwillingness to cheerfully catch hold and lift, are the things that put pure Socialism so far into the future. If men will not act for themselves, what will they do when the benefit of their effort is for all? A first-mate with knotted club seems necessary; and the dread of getting "the bounce" Saturday night, holds many a worker to his place.
Advertise for a stenographer, and nine out of ten who apply, can neither spell nor punctuate- and do not think it necessary to.
Can such a one write a letter to Garcia?
"You see that bookkeeper," said the foreman to me in a large factory.
"Yes, what about him?"
"Well he’s a fine accountant, but if I’d send him up town on an errand, he might accomplish the errand all right, and on the other hand, might stop at four saloons on the way, and when he got to Main Street, would forget what he had been sent for."
Can such a man be entrusted to carry a message to Garcia?
We have recently been hearing much maudlin sympathy expressed for the "downtrodden denizen of the sweat-shop" and the "homeless wanderer searching for honest employment," & with it all often go many hard words for the men in power.
Nothing is said about the employer who grows old before his time in a vain attempt to get frowsy ne’er-do-wells to do intelligent work; and his long patient striving with "help" that does nothing but loaf when his back is turned. In every store and factory there is a constant weeding-out process going on. The employer is constantly sending away "help" that have shown their incapacity to further the interests of the business, and others are being taken on. No matter how good times are, this sorting continues, only if times are hard and work is scarce, the sorting is done finer- but out and forever out, the incompetent and unworthy go.
It is the survival of the fittest. Self-interest prompts every employer to keep the best- those who can carry a message to Garcia.
I know one man of really brilliant parts who has not the ability to manage a business of his own, and yet who is absolutely worthless to any one else, because he carries with him constantly the insane suspicion that his employer is oppressing, or intending to oppress him. He cannot give orders; and he will not receive them. Should a message be given him to take to Garcia, his answer would probably be, "Take it yourself."
Tonight this man walks the streets looking for work, the wind whistling through his threadbare coat. No one who knows him dare employ him, for he is a regular fire-brand of discontent. He is impervious to reason, and the only thing that can impress him is the toe of a thick-soled No. 9 boot.
Of course I know that one so morally deformed is no less to be pitied than a physical cripple; but in our pitying, let us drop a tear, too, for the men who are striving to carry on a great enterprise, whose working hours are not limited by the whistle, and whose hair is fast turning white through the struggle to hold in line dowdy indifference, slip-shod imbecility, and the heartless ingratitude, which, but for their enterprise, would be both hungry & homeless.
Have I put the matter too strongly? Possibly I have; but when all the world has gone a-slumming I wish to speak a word of sympathy for the man who succeeds- the man who, against great odds has directed the efforts of others, and having succeeded, finds there’s nothing in it: nothing but bare board and clothes.
I have carried a dinner pail & worked for day’s wages, and I have also been an employer of labor, and I know there is something to be said on both sides. There is no excellence, per se, in poverty; rags are no recommendation; & all employers are not rapacious and high-handed, any more than all poor men are virtuous.
My heart goes out to the man who does his work when the "boss" is away, as well as when he is at home. And the man who, when given a letter for Garcia, quietly take the missive, without asking any idiotic questions, and with no lurking intention of chucking it into the nearest sewer, or of doing aught else but deliver it, never gets "laid off," nor has to go on a strike for higher wages. Civilization is one long anxious search for just such individuals. Anything such a man asks shall be granted; his kind is so rare that no employer can afford to let him go. He is wanted in every city, town and village- in every office, shop, store and factory. The world cries out for such: he is needed, & needed badly- the man who can carry a message to Garcia.
THE END-

At the foot of the mountain
Such a long way to climb
How will I ever get up there -
Though I know I must try

-Paul Weller

Murray quoting Goethe on Boldness of Action

For maybe the first time I am trying to do something on my own; build a private practice. Ever in need of inspiration my Dad sent me this great quote from famous Scottish mountain climber W.H. Murray.



But when I said that nothing had been done I erred in one important matter. We had definitely committed ourselves and were halfway out of our ruts. We had put down our passage money--booked a sailing to Bombay. This may sound too simple, but is great in consequence. Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:
'Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!' "

yikes

It looks like Adam will be getting his port o cath taken out on Tuesday, February 17th. This will be a big day for Adam. No more bump on his chest, no more flushings and the reminder of a lot of unpleasantness will be gone.

The mark of Adam's cancer and treatment will always be with him, in him, I think. It will be interesting to see how it manifests itself over time. Will Adam grow into someone who is sensitive to those diagnosed with cancer and other horrific illnesses? Will he have to deal with his own unexpressed trauma one day in therapy? Will his reflexive reaction to entering a doctor's office fade over time? Lots possibilities. I think he will be richer on the inside for having lived through this. I think he will be more empathic and mindful of the suffering of others. But that will come later. Right now the seeds of empathy and mindfulness are buried under the rocks of 11 year old rockin' good times. Adam is a big boy about to become a young man. Who knows when those seeds will sprout. I supposed the rocks have to be worn down to create fertile soil. A process otherwise known as adolescence. Then the fruit of Adam's travail will show.

Until then, Martha and I need your prayers and good wishes, not for Adam's health (though that is always appreciated), but for our mental health as we begin this journey into the wilderness of a teenager in our home. Yikes!

on we go

So I lost my regular job 2 months ago. Our nation is in a financial melt down. Adam got, and then beat, cancer. My car was totalled. I became a facebook junkie (hey with all that free time on my hands it was a perfect match). I hooked up with my old clinical supervisor on fb today which is pretty cool. But there is no denying that I am an fb geek/loser. Adam is anxious to get the port out (so are we); Vanderbilt called today to schedule the outpt procedure. Camille is generally a very happy little girl but is jealous when Adam has spend the night friends over. Adam has his bud JP over tonight and they are watching Get Smart (the movie). Martha is 'pressuring' for another Walt Disney World trip....I am susceptible to the pressure. Most folks I know are worried about their jobs....if they still have jobs. I am 100% behind Obama but am aware of the dangers of person worship. I bought 3 books today in a used book store, two about zen Buddhism and a bio of St. Augustine (to add the the other books piling up on my night stand). I am in private practice now which is really cool, I just hope I can make a living at it. I have decided to run the 1/2 marathon again. Martha thinks I should run the real marathon. I told her I would if she trained for the 1/2. End of discussion. My practice land lord is a retiring lawyer who loves the idea of his old legal office space transforming into therapy space. He has been through drug and alcohol treatment 3 times (he wouldn't mind if I told you that). He's quite a character but I am very happy a friend of mine pointed me in his direction. I stayed out until after 12am last night and am paying the price today.

If you could get through this screed then I guess you may want to stay tuned.

E

A nice End

Good news all around from Dr. K. The doctor of doom (my own pet name) was down right giddy as he told us that Adam's 3 month imaging tests had come back clear as a bell. What is even better is that Adam can have the hated port o cath removed in February. Date TBA.

Dr. K is not really the doctor of doom but he can be a little testy. But this time both he and Adam were on their A game, so to speak. Adam will continue for the rest of the year going back for 3 month tests. I think next year it will be 6 months, and so on.

So......should I d/c this blog....change the name........what?

implants and acceptance

Tomorrow I will pick up Adam a little after 2pm and go meet Martha at the Vandy Children's Cancer Clinic. We have a meeting with Dr. Kutesch at 245. We hope and assume that we will hear that Adam continues to show no cancer. We also hope to hear when his port o cath will be removed. For Adam and us the removal of his implant will mean the end of treatment. Adam's quarterly imaging tests will go on but treatment is over. It's actually been over for a few months but I know that for Adam having to get the port flushed every month still feels awful. The port being removed will also mean that the professionals, Dr. K et al, really think that Adam is in the clear.

The last few months have been really great. Seeing Adam finish his soccer season, go on scout trips and get on with being a typical 11 year old has been a gift. Adam having cancer and going through treatment has certainly given me a new perspective on his health, Camille's health and our health. Take nothing for granted.

Lately for professional and personal reasons I have been trying to learn mindfulness skills. Being present in the moment. Breathing, meditating, praying, and noticing the here and the now. This has helped me be more present for Camille and Adam and has helped me let aggravation, anger, frustration and the rest of it come and go like a wave; instead of getting caught up in it, sulking and letting it fester. Does that mean Adam's illness was a gift? I don't think he would see it that way. Related to mindfullness is 'radical acceptance'. That is, things are as they are, and there is no other way they can be. Instead of flailing and shaking my fist at reality, I try and notice it, acknowledge it and make a decision about how to deal with it. That's what I try and teach my clients and at last that is what I am trying to teach myself. And Adam is to be credited with that bit of wisdom.

normal sickness

So Adam woke up yesterday morning having had nausea all night. He didn't even come up and get us but he was in no shape of going to school. Immediate flashback of chemo nausea. Then the realization that this was just 'normal' kid getting sick stuff. Which was great really. He probably picked up a bug on the scout trip to Atlanta.

He's back off to school this morning. We have an appointment with Dr. Kuttesch on Monday to review his imaging tests from last week. We assume that all is fine; otherwise I think we would have heard. But you can never be sure so please continue to keep Adam in your prayers.

We should hear at this meeting when Adam can get his port-o-cath taken out. I know for Adam that will be a great day.

can you hear us holy man

As a fierce critic of Bush I feel strangely compassionate for this failed president. I wish him well as he exits.

I am proud that my kids will be the first generation to think a non-white president is no big deal. What a country!

When I was running today I was listening to 'Live Wood' by Paul Weller (great album to work out with btw). His song 'Holy Man' sums up our my hopes and fears.

Barrack is just a man, hopefully a great man, but just a man all the same. I wish we were able to go to the inauguration.

(Can you hear us) Holy Man by Paul Weller

Crystal words that hang so fine - but none will stop us falling

Pulling faster all the time - powerless to warnings

If you feel the hand of God - can you guide it holy man? But you are only flesh and blood - waiting too for judgement

Still saying! daddy dont weep momma dont cry

Everybody gets their time

Dont be sad dont be blue - pray for me

Ill do the same for you

Split the father and the son - hand words to ease them

If you have the hand of God - can you heal us holy man?

But you are only flesh and blood - waiting too for judgement

Still saying!Hang on tight hang on strong

How much longer can this go on

But dont be sad dont be blue - its one more thing set to confuse

Daddy dont weep momma dont cry

Every fear must have its time

Dont be sad dont be blue - pray for meIll do the same for you.

Can you bring the hand of god? Can you stop the killing? Get us back to hope and love - never more be needed -

Still saying!

Bloods gone bad bad to worse

Worse to bad and back again

But dont be sad dont be blue - its one more thing sent to confuse

Momma dont weep daddy dont cry

Every fear must have its time

Dont be sad dont be blue - pray for me Ill do the same for you.

to Atlanta

Adam is off on yet another scouting adventure. This time it's to the big city. He and his troop are going to my home town Atlanta to see the sites: Coke Museum, Aquarium, Stone Mountain, Fernbank Science Center and some other stuff.

Sticking with the scouts has been a great 'investment'. Adam is really enthusiastic about these trips. I have to hand it to Bill Gregory, the Scout leader, for being so dedicated and planning so many fun activities. The St. Edwards Scouts, Troop 210, go on trips of one sort or another about once per month. Usually they are of the hiking and camping variety so I imagine from the boys' perspective it's a nice change to not have to sleep out side tonight. I think they are staying in a church, a heated church.

Two 3 days into mini cooper ownership and I can see that I will have to make my mini a hobby if I cam to keep it in good shape. I have a feeling this neat little car will need much TLC.

Yeah, Baby!

So maybe having my CRV smashed by a drunk driver (no one was hurt) wasn't so bad. We got a MINI out of the deal. It's weird driving a car where practicality wasn't the main consideration. This is a damn fun car!

The novelty may wear off in a few months and I'll sell it and go back to some Japanese reliability. We'll see.

Adam digs it.

Three Month Check Up

Adam went for his first 3 month imaging tests today. We were at Vandy from 12 to 5. Adam's counts are good and we expect that the MRT, CT scan and bone scan will also be good news. As usual Adam was a trooper and with the help of his ipod he coped well with the initial arm stick and even better with the port flush. He was a little perturbed that he had to get two sticks in a day. Who could blame him?

For the flush we had to wait in the Pediatric Cancer clinic. Just like old times. It seems just like any other medical waiting room now. But I remember back in March how foreign and strange and frigging frightening it was.

When Adam got diagnosed we were initially told that he would be in chemo for one year. If that had been true then he would still be in treatment, bald and out of school. Thank God for the protocol! He is well, hairy and just got his report card (mostly good!).

Adam has anothe Scout trip this weekend. This time they are going to Atlanta and will visit the Aquarium, climb Stone Moutain and go to the Coke Museum. Good times.

2009 is looking up.

The new year has begun, the kids (blessedly) are back in school and I am off and running in the world of self employment.
Adam is doing really, really well. He is excited about his drama class at school, he is reading like a wild man (I don't remember reading willingly until I was way into high school) and he seems like he is in a great mood. Winter Scout Camp was a big success. I think Adam digs that sort of thing and it was great to get him out of the house for 5 days (luckily not too cold--thank you global warming!) during the Xmas to New Years blahs.
Adam and I have a 'date' with Vanderbilt this Monday. He has a series of imaging tests he will have to go through. He's not exactly excited about it....but it beats chemo.
Camille was a hit (to us anyway) in her dance school's production of the Nutcracker. She loves ballet and is constantly showing off moves and inventing her own. She is still working on a cart wheel. Ballet class started up again today after the Christmas break and she was so excited when I picked her up from aftercare. Usually she hates that I am picking her up too soon, taking her away from her friends.
My car was totalled by a drunk driver. Which really sucks because I was planning on driving that thing into the ground. Luckily it happened at 430am and no one, not even the driver, was hurt. I am currently 'in negotiations' with geico (the dude's insurance). Hopefully we will get a 'new to us' car very soon. Martha wants to get a 'fun' car but I am afraid my inner utilitarian will win out.
I am working occasionally at the hospital on an 'as needed' basis. This is really cool because it gives me some income while I build my private practice (check out my other blog parenttopics.blogspot.com) . Being a 'hired hand' has its advantages....namely, no stress from the responsibility of being the boss. Best of both worlds.

2009 is looking up.