call out from the Presbyterians

Happy Easter! We went to Jared and Heather's church this morning; the First Alpharetta Presybterian Church. The service was lovely. I was impressed by the music. At St. Edwards, where we go, the music is very contemporary. There is nothing wrong with that but it was nice to hear Bach and Wagner. The choir was good and the musicians were first class.

Adam was very dapper in dress but I had to keep nudging him to focus and stay awake. What did get his attention was when the associate pastor reminded folks to keep in mind their own prayer intentions and then announced that special prayers should be said for "Adam Brinson, the nephew of Jared and Heather Brinson." She went on to give a basically accurate account of what is going on with Adam. I teared up and gave Adam a hug. It's strange having folks you don't even know giving your son a prayerful 'call out' at church. It is strange, but moving all the same.

The pastor gave a very timely sermon. I wondered later if he had taken Adam into account or if it was just happenstance. He spent some time speaking on 'what are we looking for' in the risen Christ. He mentioned that sometimes 'our own bodies betray us' and that despite so much good being in the world there is so much pain and suffering. He asked have we ever wept, like Mary did at the opened tomb. Three weeks ago I would have said No. But when he asked, I remembered back to the day at Dr. Kuttesch's office, when Martha began to weep. I remembered my own weeping moment in the car driving home from the hospital that day. The pastor said that having wept is not the same as having cried. It involved anguish and a shocking realization that things will not be the same. It even involves anger at God. 'God, this can not be', as the pastor said. I am still there. My own faith is at best very fragile. And to the degree that I truly believe I am very angry. Pissed even.

I am reading a book called "When Things Fall Apart". It is written by a Buddhist nun. It teaches that to breathe, to focus on the out breath, is a way to connect with other beings, the universe, God. It may not be conventionally Christian but I think that right now it's the best I can do. To breathe. There is a Buddhist practice called Tonglen. It is very simple. You breathe in all that hurts, disables, impoverishes and you breathe out all that heals, connects and enriches. It calls for you to focus on someone you love or on all who suffer. When I kneel down at church this is what I do. I breathe in all of Adam's cancer and future pain from chemo and I breathe out all that will help him endure and, once medically healed, grow strong again.

Happy Easter.


I cannot make the universe obey me. I cannot make other people conform to my own whims and fancies. I cannot make even my own body obey me. --Thomas Merton