noblesse oblige

I heard an awful story the other day. A friend of mine who is a social worker as well works at Our Kids in Nashville. Our Kids is a nonprofit that assists in investigating sexual abuse of children. It does great work. I am not sure I could handle it. My friend Lisa told me that she knows the social worker at Vandy Children's who has been available to us. We haven't needed her a whole lot but she has been helpful. Cindy is her name. Cindy told Lisa that a father of a terminal child patient had been sexually abusing her. When Lisa told me this I thought how could a human being be any lower. What a monster! And he is. I think Lisa told me he has been convicted and is serving time. Not sure. After the shock wore off I began to think a little more about it. This guy is a monster. No doubt, but not because his kid has cancer. He is a monster because he is sexually abusing her. Period. Maybe when he heard about her diagnosis he tried to get it together. Maybe he told himself that he would finally stop hurting his little girl. Probably for a while he was getting a lot of sympathy from others for being strong, for being such a good dad to care for his sick child. But it all comes out in the wash. We are what we are. Cancer in your child does not make you noble. It does not make you a better parent. You are what you are. If you were hurting your child before she got cancer, you will hurt your child when she has cancer. Period.
I was not the father of the year before Adam got sick. I am not the father of the year now. I'm a good dad I think. I try. I could try harder. I can be selfish, trivial, I can take the easy way out, I probably don't challenge Adam enough, I should take him on more camping or fishing trips. I am what I am. If I were an addict or whatever before Adam got diagnosed I wouldn't magically stop being that thing afterwards. Cancer in Adam has not made me better at fatherhood. I am sorry to say that. I wish I could claim the mantle of 'Best Dad in the World' but in the end I think I am a 'good enough' dad. I think Adam will have a relationship me when I am old. I think he respects me. I think he knows he is loved. I think I set a modest example. But I could be better.
I know I am telling a horrible story. But I think about this a lot. Cancer has become part of our life. Day in and day out. It is stressful, but manageable. I am trying. But I could do better. I am what I am.