2009 is almost here

It's the night before the last day of the year....and what a year. 2008 will obviously go down in the record books as a major set of 12 months. A lot of stuff went down. For me and mine I am hoping, praying (and the rest of it) that 2009 will be a hell of a lot less interesting. As I said to my cousin just yesterday, we've had enough character building at the Brinson household to last us a year or two. Yes, we have many things to be grateful for.....Adam's return to health, Camille's continued enthusiasm for life, Martha's continued employment (with benefits....), my 'opportunity' to do something different, growing closer to our friends and family. There are many things to be thankful for. But let's face it, 2008 was a year for the crapper....there's just no getting around it. (Obama and the return of liberal values nationally not withstanding.)
Adam got cancer, we lost our savings (lest we forget......and I felt so good all these years putting so much into my 401K), I got laid off, and just to keep this stuff in 'threes', a drunk driver totalled my honda on Christmas eve no less (which I was hoping to run into the ground over the next 5 years.....Adam would have loved getting that thing on his 16th birthday!).

Yep, I really am looking forward to 2009. It's not that I am suspicious enough to think anything cosmically changes on 1/1/09, but it does mark what I hope to be a starting point for a gentle upward curve tracking our family's and friends' minor and major fortunes (not necessarily in the financial sense...but not necessarily not in the financial sense). I hope 2009 offers me personally a chance to renew my enthusiasm for counseling, to be a better dad and husband, to really learn guitar (yes I still have it, but I need to get back to it), to grow spiritually (what ever that might mean), to be less materialistic, more attuned to those around me, a better friend, a better son and brother, to be more generous and patient and thoughtful, to grow in my empathy and reduce my anti social traits (oh, yes, I have plenty of those), to love better, to be more accepting with a capital A.

I am laying on Camille's bed right now. She has fallen asleep after only two stories. She still wants Martha or I to stay with her all night. I will get up soon an 'sneak' up to my own bed. Hopefully she will sleep through the night without waking up and yelling out, scared, for Martha or me to come back and sleep with her. Adam is away at Scout Winter Camp, so she is alone down stairs. Listening to her gentle snoring is really beautiful. Camille has become so full of happiness and light (most of the time). She can be cautious but is usually willing to try new things. I am teaching her how to ride her bicycle which santa gave her this Christmas. She loves it and I think will be riding on her own soon. She is a joy. Camille and Adam are truly wonders to me. Even though I want to slap the 11 year old out of him at times (and I am sure that won't get better with 12) Adam continues to surprise me with his observations and unexpected humorous take on the world. Damn, we have some super kids, and no load of sh%t in 2008 can take that away.

Happy New Year Everybody!

Camille getting ready for her dress rehearsal for the peppermint dance in Nutcracker.

Gratitude and Hope

Christmas is approaching. I don't know about you but the season has a different feel this year. Not in a bad way. It seems more somber or low key. Adam and Camille are excited but even they seem to be somehow aware that the world is a little different this year. We chose not to get a tree or a wreath this year. We decorated our ficus instead. I've been laid off, my brother is facing a lay off, friends have been laid off. And all in time for Christmas. Ironically I am very happy and up. Sure, that might be the celexa talking but I don't think that is the only thing. I continue to feel relieved to have a new opportunity. But in the bottom of my mind I am aware of the 'high wire' act I am setting out on. But the excitement of that, and not the anxiety seems to be prevalent.

And then there is Adam's successful treatment. That continues to stoke the fire of optimism for me. Despite the economy and general uncertainty in the world I just feel thankful and glad that Adam is healthy, that Camille seems like the happiest little girl I know and that I am lucky enough to be married to Martha.

Other items on the good news list: Obama got elected, I have reconnected with some old friends via facebook (Jared calls me the worst facebook geek he knows), my Mom got her knee replaced and that will lead to her being more mobile I think, my brother in law was made partner at his firm (thank God one of us is gainfully employed), Camille is performing in the Nutcracker this weekend, Adam is playing in his school band performance tomorrow, Martha got a bonus......

I am hopeful that 2009 will be a good year. It's going to have to be better than 2008. I hope for peace, justice and prosperity for our country and the world. Maybe that is spitting in the wind...but hope springs eternal.


Prayer for Peace
Almighty and merciful God, Father of all men, Creator and ruler of the universe,Lord of all history, whose designs are without blemish, whose compassion for the errors of men is inexhaustible, in your will is our peace.
Mercifully hear this prayer which rises to you from the tumult and desperation of a world in which you are forgotten, in which your name is not invoked,your laws are derided and your presence is ignored. Because we do not know you, we have no peace.
From the heart of an eternal silence, you have watched the rise of empires and have seen the smoke of their downfall. You have witnessed the impious fury of ten thousand fratricidal wars, in which great powers have torn whole
continents to shreds in the name of peace and justice.
A day of ominous decision has now dawned on this free nation. Save us then
from our obsessions! Open our eyes, dissipate our confusions, teach us
to understand ourselves and our adversary.
Let us never forget that sins
against the law of love are punishable by loss of faith, and those
without faith stop at no crime to achieve their ends!Help us to be masters of the weapons that threaten to master us.
Help us to use our science for peace and plenty, not for war and
destruction. Save us from the compulsion to follow our adversaries
in all that we most hate, confirming them in their hatred and
suspicion of us.
Resolve our inner contradictions, which now
grow beyond belief and beyond bearing. They are at once a torment
and a blessing: for if you had not left us the light of conscience,we would not have to endure them.
Teach us to wait and trust.Grant light, grant strength and patience to all who work for peace.But grant us above all to see that our ways are not necessarily
your ways, that we cannot fully penetrate the mystery of your
designs and that the very storm of power now raging on this earth
reveals your hidden will and your inscrutable decision.
Grant us to see your face in the lightning of this cosmic storm,O God of holiness, merciful to men. Grant us to seek peace where
it is truly found. In your will, O God, is our peace.
Amen.
Thomas Merton (1915-1968)Prayer for Peace

Snow Day Surprise

Last night around 945 pm the phone rings. I was the only one still up and was a little irritated that someone was calling so late. It was a 'robocall' from the public school system saying that Friday would be a snow day. No school! That means Martha and I could sleep a little later. I wondered, should I wake up Martha and Adam and tell them the good news. I decided to leave it as nice surprise for this morning. Martha got out of bed at 530am and I whispered to her that there was no school. She gratefully got back into bed.

Later in the morning, it was light outside, I woke Adam up, saying, "Wake up, we're late, look outside." Adam scramble up, half awake, ready to do as commanded. Then I said, "Nah, it's a snow day, go back to bed." Adam said, "You're mean!". But happily fell back into bed where I am sure he remained until 10am or so.

We love snow days at the Brinson house!

Martha and I still had to go to work (she with Camille in tow), but it was nice casual morning.

This is in the 'take nothing for granted' category.

Have a great weekend.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spiritto be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~Emerson~

Don't Be Bitter

This is my favorite Matt Groening comic. I think of it often. Lately it's been my personal mantra.....'don't be bitter....breath in......don't be bitter breath out.....repeat'

Bitterness is maybe the most useless of emotions. We all could find reasons to justify our own bitterness; cancer, losing a job, watching one's savings dwindle, 'Bama losing the SEC championship, xenophobes taking over my city....the list could go on. Describing bitterness as an emotion my not be correct. I think of emotions as being somewhat out of our control and bitterness it seems to me is a choice. One can feel hurt, shocked, frustrated , angry ect. These can all lead toward the choice of bitterness; or of the choice to look for opportunity or purpose, inner peace.... Bitterness gets you nothing.

I went to the Skyline doctor/director shindig last night at the Frist Center for the Arts. I was invited before being laid off so I figured 'what the hell.' A night of dress up, free drink, ok food and fabulous imitation eagles music is not to be missed. Martha looked great in a sexy black dress (I had been bragging to my peers at work for weeks about that dress) and my own get-up was a tux (which I can't afford not to wear if given the chance) with a black shirt and tie. I think we looked smashing. The food and wine were actually pretty good and I got to be the 'good guy' to all the other directors and doctors (as far as I know none of whom are losing their jobs....yet anyway).

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

His goal in life was to be an echo
The type of sound that floats around and then back down
Like a feather
But in the deep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
No one could hear him
Or anything

--wilco

free fall

Today I begin this new chapter, phase, journey, free fall, roller coaster...whatever. Two weeks ago I was invited to consider taking a new path (my Directors position at Skyline was being eliminated). It was a Monday and I had my regular weekly meeting with K., by boss and the hospital COO. The meeting was re-sheduled from 3 to 2. Kay was being particularly sweet to me and I noticed that the HR director was hanging around. I was too dense to put 2 and 2 together.....until I walked into my meeting with K. and saw the HR director in there as well. Then I knew what was about to happen. Having been on the other side of this trip a few months ago when I had to lay off several folks. I didn't see it coming but I wasn't surprised either. Times are tough at Skyline and probably not going to get better for a few months at least so looking for more cuts only makes sense from a for-profit, bottom line perspective.

I immediately decided to be cool about it. As K. 'invited' me to take a full time clinical position and then added, after I asked about salary, that my directors job was being eliminated, I was at peace. She was a little surprised by my reaction and told me she had lost all sorts of sleep over the weekend ('good' I thought....but not meanly).

The proposition of staying with a cut in pay wasn't completely out of consideration given the times we are in. I left that meeting thinking I could go either way: stay or take the decent severance and consider my options.

Almost immediately I felt great. It was like I was on crack or something. I felt lighter, happier and more energized. I didn't know what to do with myself. As word got out plenty of folks came to me to say how sorry they were, what a loss this would be, what a good guy I am etc. It was definitely good for my ego. People were amazed at how at peace I was. I wasn't pissed off. I wasn't slamming administration. I was happy ( I was not happy that folks were worried, scared and anxious about this latest round of layoffs). People thought I was a saint or something. I tried to explain to Yolanda, one of the best people I know at work, that I was no saint. If this had happened several months I would have raged, kicked, screamed and generally been one nasty m-f'r. Adam was still in treatment and losing my benefits would have been a nightmare. But Adam is finished with treatment, mostly, and he and Camille can be transferred to Martha's benefits. I am no saint. This was just the right thing and the right time. It felt right. And I have zero regret or bitterness.

It was Martha who pushed me to take the severance and do my own thing. That support is huge because this decision will affect our family economically. In the long run though it is the right move.

Today I am no longer the boss. I will actually be doing some prn coverage for most of the month. That will be interesting. I will just be one of the gang. And I genuinely feel worried for the two remaining directors who have to pick up the slack. But honestly, they may do it better than I did. I have been in a rut, I think, for some time. The stress around here had gradually burried me. It's like a frog in warm water. The water gets slowly hotter and the frog doesn't notice until he is frog soup. Luckily for me, I was pulled out of the pot.


I am also actively looking for advice and space to build a private practice. I think I am going to have a ball. I can do what I am best at, family counseling, and learn all sorts of stuff I know nothing about (staring my own business).

I am excited and nervous. But mostly excited!

Peace.

E