janus effect

It seems as if Adam has two very distinct personalities. One is his 'real' self. Smart, playful, fun etc. The other is his 'chemo' self. Sullen, disengaged, fearful, angry. When I was with him today at the clinic to see if he would need to be admitted due to his fever I saw both, one right after the other. When the nurse, or some other clinic person, comes around he clams up and, unless I give him a nudge, acts as if she isn't even there talking to him. As soon as they go away he is back to telling me the next funny scene that is about to be on Sponge Bob (he should know, he's seen every one of the episodes umpteen million times). It's pretty aggravating. Not that Martha and I have been too tough on the proper manners thing over the years, but generally Adam has a lot of natural affability. Well that is all drained away in the clinic. As much as I want to yell at him right then and there, embarrassed that he is treating these kind professional folks (mostly) so poorly, I breathe (yes, I still have to tell myself to do that) and wait. I gently, gently remind Adam to try and be kind but I back off quickly. He doesn't argue with this suggestion. The affable Adam agrees. But that's not the Adam I am trying to reach.

This is Adam's show. His life. And his way of dealing with this stuff. Mostly it's working so who am I to judge. The clinic folks are professionals and can take it I think.

The good news today. His fever broke. The culture is negative so far (they will continue to watch it for another two days). He will not have to be admitted. He goes back to school tomorrow. Two more chemo appts. Both are next week; Monday and Friday. And then he is done. I reminded Adam of that. He really dreads the chemo appts. Today as the nurse was accessing his port he became very upset and feared he would vomit. This wasn't even chemo, just saline to clear out the line for the antibiotic medicine. I asked Adam what was making him nauseous and he snapped at me. "The saline!" Luckily the feeling passed and he didn't vomit.

After the appt was over we went to Wendy's and then to spend some old gift cards at Walmart. That cheered him up a little until we got home and he had to hit the books to try and stay caught up with school.


Mythology lesson: Janus was usually depicted with two heads (not faces) looking in opposite directions, and was frequently used to symbolize change and transitions such as the progression of past to future, of one condition to another, of one vision to another, the growing up of young people, and of one universe to another. He was also known as the figure representing time because he could see into the past with one face and into the future with the other.